Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: anti-gay zealot turns out to be a hypocrite and an undercover homosexual himself. Wait, you have heard that one before?
I think what’s being left out of the George Rekers commentary is how complex issues of internalized homophobia and coming out are. It may seem like semantics, but there is a big difference between internalized homophobia and shame, denial, hypocrisy and discretion.
It was so interesting to see people talk about Ricky Martin, about how it was obvious that he was gay and not understanding why he didn’t come out sooner. I think people take for granted the power of sexual silence and how productive it can be, especially for people of color.
I know what it’s like to love someone…to want to look them in the eyes and tell them how much you care. But you can’t, because you know it would change everything and probably not for the better.
The first four people I came out to (two close female friends and two male friends/love interests) eventually stopped talking to me at some point and I know it had everything to do with my sexuality. And ten years later I think it still stings not because I no longer talk to them, but because I know all four have/had no problem with homosexuality in general. But my “new” identity, now out in the open, instantly changed our dynamic for the rest of the relationship. So at some point I just stopped telling people…
It breaks my heart to be back in New York, to see people I went to undergrad with (and others in my life at that time) who clearly had same sex desires, still “living a lie.” They’re in a holding pattern of sorts.
The deterrent from coming out: it’s that look of disappointment that’s etched in your mind forever. Which ironically is the same look people who are completely out to everyone give you when you tell them you haven’t told your family yet. That look that all the hopes and dreams they had for you are now destroyed.
And as a black man in the age of the branding of “the down low” it’s important to point out the complexities of each situation…the nuances. I think it’s important to stay away from the binaries. But there’s something to be said about discretion and denial. There’s a difference between not knowing/accepting who you are and knowing and not telling people (for whatever reason[s]). I can’t imagine not knowing, loving and accepting myself for who I am at this age. But people do it all the time.
I’ve been on so many research studies where men would explain how they didn’t come out until ~50 years old. And at that point I feel the motivation comes from sheer exhaughtion. It’s tiring being someone you’re not.
And to currently be on a substance/alcohol abuse project, it’s crazy to see how many people self medicate. Like any truth you don’t want to accept, you put so much energy into numbing the pain. You can’t deny your past, but you don’t see a happy future: one where you can have it all. So you make a decision and go with it.
There’s one person in my life now: They consume themselves with work, always have to stay busy. Can’t be alone for extended periods of time because the voices in their head become too much to bear.
But that’s the sad thing about how people handle these situations right? Sexual desires don’t go away, no matter how deep you bury them. It’s a part of who you are and will be forever. Celibacy does not absolve you from what your body wants…what your heart needs.
Gender adds a whole ‘nother level to the problem too. There are so many outlets for men to channel…to redirect that energy if necessary (e.g. contact sports), but not so much for women. It doesn’t help that women tend to internalize these types of things more than men.
Just like a real closet, there’s always that gap on the bottom. You lock yourself in, hoping to keep everyone (including yourself) in the dark, but there’s just enough light shining in to remind you there’s a whole other world on the other side ready to be lived…if you just open the door.
I think it’s just a matter of priorities. Whatever is holding you back; whether it be the love of your family, the respect of a certain individual, the acceptance from an institution (e.g. a church) it becomes more important than your happiness…more important than living your best life.
But everyone deserves to be happy; even closetcases.
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