Welcome back to TWAT: The World According to Tony. This is where we talk about life lessons I’ve learned over the years and incorporated into my world perspective.
Simply put: binaries suck, especially when it comes to issues of sex and sexuality. Life is full of shades of grey and it’s important to talk about the nuances of situations (especially interpersonal problems) if any real progress is to be made.
However, often times the most straightforward answer is the most useful one. I present to you: the idiot/asshole rule.
The idiot/asshole rule is very simple. When someone wrongs you in some way/shape/form, especially on a habitual basis, it ultimately (keyword) means one of two things:
A – They don’t realize they’re hurting/upsetting you and hence see no reason to stop what they are doing (idiot).
or
B – They know their behavior is upsetting to you but continue to do it anyway (asshole).
Think about it: any problem you’ve had with a co-worker, roommate, friend or significant other can be reduced to one of the two categories.
Now I don’t have any problem being assertive and telling people when they conduct themselves in an inappropriate manner (some would even call me “brutally honest”), so ignorance can only be claimed few and far between. Most of the situations I’ve had in my life are of the asshole nature.
Some personal examples:
I’m a night owl. It’s not uncommon for me to be up at 4a.m., even on a work/school night. However, I don’t accept phone calls after midnight. Over the years I would tell my friends this and some would continue to call after midnight with their trivial problems.
Dander really grosses me out. Living with dog/cat owners who don’t clean up after their pets and women with long hair who don’t clean up as they shed are as bad as it gets for me in a roommate situation. I visited a friend once who has long hair and a cat and when I tell you the sofa was deadly to sit on, I’m not exaggerating.
Being a sex master, friends often come to me for relationship advice. Often when I help them process their feelings it becomes clear they know exactly what is bothering them in their relationship (possessive partner, lack of attention, financial differences, etc.) yet they continue to stay in these relationships.
Even though the terms idiot/asshole themselves are derogatory, this way of thinking about problems is designed to help you focus on the message and not the messenger (as Trent Jackson would say). Often in relationships (romantic and otherwise) we say:
“We’ll it’s and I know they love me, so it’s not that serious.”
We excuse/downplay the discretions of those we love because we want to keep them in our lives, even if it’s not in our best interests. By focusing on the behavior and not who’s doing it we can begin to accept there is a problem in the first place. And as you know, admitting you have a problem is the first step in recovery…
The idiot/asshole binary is also helpful because (if executed correctly) it actually helps you see the shades of grey you may have missed. When you look at the world though the lens of priorities and not good vs. evil, it becomes possible to love someone who hurts you and vice-versa. Again, using the examples above:
When my friends call after midnight even after I’ve told them not to, it becomes clear they think whatever they want to talk about is urgent and more important than whatever it is I must be doing. Solution: remind them an emergency to them does not constitute an emergency for me.
Cleanliness with people you live with is something that will always be a constant struggle. I leave all my dishes to do all at once and this bothers some people. I try not to let the dander thing freak me out any more because if the shedders thought it was a big deal, they would clean up after themselves. Solution: don’t let it bother you.
Ultimately people stay in unhealthy/abusive relationships because they’re getting something out of it (e.g. financial stability, great sex, companionship, etc.). Ideally, the issues you may have with your partner are outweighed by the positives and you “compromise” as I’m sure there are traits about you they dislike as well. Solution: compromise, but don’t compromise yourself/your values.
So next time you’re having a problem with someone that proves difficult to solve, first determine if they’re being an idiot or an asshole. I promise it will give you a different perspective and help you make better decisions (to keep this person in your life or not…assuming you have some sort of control over that).
Long lasting relationships (romantic or otherwise) are hard work. As my friend put it as we were talking about the progress we’ve made in our relationship over the years, you have to be willing to put in the work.
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