Operating From A Deficit

You can’t move forward if your back is always against the wall.

Welcome back to TWAT: The World According to Tony. This is where we talk about life lessons I’ve learned over the years and incorporated into my world perspective.

In my quest to find a partner, it has become very clear how much my life has changed recently. I am blessed to have an abundance of resources: education, employment, love, inspiration, etc. But as Desiree points out, I may be the exception, especially for a gay man of color. I’ve come to realize that many (perhaps most) gay men are operating from a deficit.

When you’re operating from a deficit you tend to have messed up priorities. Sure you could be looking for a job, but it’s much more validating to take half naked pictures of yourself and post them on the internet for people to gawk over.

When you’re operating from a deficit you think everything is about you. Feeling invisible and starved for attention, intrapsychically you’ve had to do this as a coping mechanism.

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When you’re operating from a deficit you tell everyone where you’re at, what you’re doing, who you’re friends with, who you’re sleeping with…someone’s gotta care, and that makes you important right?

When you’re operating from a deficit you’ve got to be famous because being invisible is the worse case scenario.

When you’re operating from a deficit you know more about Beyonce’s body of work than you do Marlon Riggs.

When you’re operating from a deficit you call any gay men you’re not having sex with “she” “her” “girl” “Judy”…you’re never going to be able to recoup the masculinity years of homophobia and effemiphobia have taken away from you, so the best thing to do is join in on the bashing and bring everyone else down to your level.

When you’re operating from a deficit direct communication is a forbidden concept to you. You grew up fearing what people might say if you told them about your sexuality, so as an adult you’re not used to telling people how you really feel, unless it’s to tear someone down.

When you’re operating from a deficit love is a scarce resource. You’re always on the lookout to collect more and always ready to defend what you already have.

When you’re operating from a deficit you throw shade before you even get to know someone. Anyone you can’t control is a potential enemy; and you can’t afford to lose any more than you already have. And you know what they say: the best defense is a good offense.

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When you’re operating from a deficit you spend a lot of time tearing people down because it seems easier than (the hard work of) building yourself up.

When you’re operating from a deficit “‘doin me” becomes a euphemism for being selfish.

When you’re operating from a deficit you go to the club and collect numbers of other men you have no intention of calling. When you see that certain someone start to pull away, you say things like “I miss you” or “do you still think of me?” You have no intention of working to build the relationship, but you can’t let them get away either (until you have a replacement…you may need them later).

When you’re operating from a deficit you have sex with people you call “friends” (and think that’s healthy). Years and years of sexual, verbal and emotional abuse has warped your concept of boundaries.

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When you’re operating from a deficit you stay in unhealthy relationships because in your mind, all you have is each other (and that’s big).

When you’re operating from a deficit you end up taking care of your mother’s/sister’s/aunt’s kids more than they do. It’s not like you’re ever going to find a partner and raise your own kids, right? Gay people don’t do that. Finding purpose in taking over what should be their parenting becomes more important than enabling their irresponsible behavior.

When you’re operating from a deficit you hate spending time alone because (on some level) you don’t love yourself. It may have to do with not knowing yourself (years and years of living other people’s dreams will do that to you).

When you’re operating from a deficit, the thought of a boyfriend is actually more appealing than actually having one. If you were really in a relationship you’d have to compromise, be accountable for your actions, etc. and who wants that?

When you’re operating from a deficit, the structural inequalities that govern your life seem too much to bear and suicide becomes a more attractive option than life. If you don’t kill yourself you’re probably self medicating with drugs/alcohol to deal with the pain.

When you’re operating from a deficit the weed man is one of the most consistent men in your life.

When you’re operating from a deficit constructive criticism doesn’t exist. There’s always an agenda against you. Everyone’s a hater.

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When you’re operating from a deficit unfortunately, you’re not living your best life.

10 thoughts on “Operating From A Deficit

  1. Wow this wasdeep and i agreee some of these i seen myself in made me look at my self twice kudous love it i wanna share this lol but it s alot so ill just continue promoting ur site :p

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