Those Three Words


You don’t know how to love by Nonnetta

You say the word “forevermore”
That’s not what I’m looking for
All I can commit to is “maybe”
Jennifer Paige – Crush

You could hear the hesitation in his voice. The question caught him off guard. A trivial conversation about intentions ensued. There would be no direct answers tonight.

The worse part of these types of conversations is you can see the person revert to the former right before your eyes. You no longer exist. Transformed into the one who hurt them before, you’re now paying for his mistakes.

If I was being completely honest with myself (and the situation), he always kept me at arms length. There were red flags from the jump. But that’s what happens when you love someone: you ignore what’s right in front of you and focus on the good.

He wasn’t looking for a relationship. He wanted to fuck the pain away, nothing more. And since we’re all operating from a deficit, it’s the job that’s always hiring.

And this wasn’t the first time I played dick in a glass box either. I must have “suck in case of loneliness” written on my shaft.

“You’re damaged,” I explained. “I thought that I should let you know.”

Flirting is the art of keeping intimacy at a safe distance.
Average Black Man

Weeks later all I could think about were those three words.

The three words that when said always change the course of a relationship. Not the ones you’re thinking about (even though they were said too); those three words are great. Whether received well or not, there’s always feedback…there’s always closure.

No, this was much worse. Silence, his right hand man eventually joined the conversation. One proposal quickly became twenty questions. He didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do.

His heart and his mind were telling him two different things. Knowledge is power so if you don’t disclose certain information, (in theory) you can maintain power in a relationship. But people forget not taking any action is also an action in itself.

In the end, I would get an answer that night. One that released me from the sexual purgatory that consumed me for months. I could see the light from afar.

“I don’t know,” he finally mumbled.

And with those three words, I was finally free.

I define anxiety as experiencing failure in advance…and if you have anxiety about initiating a project, then of course you will associate risk with failure.
Seth Godin – Poke the Box

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