If you’re going to break up with someone you need to tell them face to face and you need to tell them why. You need to give them closure. I think the worse thing you could ever do to someone is not give them closure.
Joey Diamond – Breakups
I met a man once. Brown skin, a naughty smile that lit up a room. There was an instant connection. He was only in town for a few weeks, but I used what time I had to get to know him. On his final night, we were supposed to have a going away dinner. I called to confirm:
“I’m kind of ambivalent to dinner.”
There was a good thirty seconds of awkward silence.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what that means.”
In my head I was thinking “Be excited for dinner. Say I don’t want to do this. Just have a reaction! Ambivalent? What the fuck does that mean?”
After all, we had spent considerable time together, the least we could do was have a last supper; even if he didn’t think this was worth pursuing once he left town. Needless to say we didn’t have dinner that night.
As you can see, I don’t go through the five stages of grief evenly. It’s usually very little denial, a period of sadness and anger. Lots of anger.
The worse thing you can feel in a relationship is disrespected. A year later, that’s exactly how I felt.
You know what the final straw was? I went to mail his birthday card and realized I didn’t have his home address; only his work. I kind of had a core meltdown. What kind of a man will let you into his body, but won’t tell you where he lives?
Actually, tons of people. People not looking for anything serious. I had answered my own question.
And there it was; the brutally honest truth right before my eyes.
Reflecting on both cases, I think the worse part is the unrealized potential. It’s not like I don’t meet great guys, I meet great guys all the time. But the timing is never right.
They’re either trying to restart their careers.
Or fending off family trying to arrange their marriage (to a woman!).
Or they’ve just been alone for so long that’s what feels safe.
And I get it, I was operating from a deficit once too. But can someone throw me a bone here? I just feel like people don’t even put in effort these days.
Especially when it comes to interracial dating. The differences that initially intrigues you becomes the “reasons” why that person can’t be fully integrated into your life. When you pit potential partner against culture, family and community win most of the time.
At some point you have to swallow your pride and realize you wanted it more than he did.