Keep On Going

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I needed answers. So I decided to go back to the beginning. Back to where it all began.

The profile read:

Good looking, masculine bottom looking for tops who know what they’re doing. Men of color especially. You will not be disappointed.

The headline read:

Good sex, NO strings attached.

He opened his pics, as requested. I didn’t expect him to be so cute.
“Sexy. What you looking to get into?”

“In town for a few days. Looking for a good fuck bro.”

If I told you I loved you, would it make any difference?
If you told me or if I believed you?
Duplicity

I made my list and it was more unanswered questions than pro/con:

If you knew you weren’t ready for a relationship, why did we do this?
I don’t want to date you on your terms.
If you want to be friends with someone, don’t date them.
I can understand seeing relationships as structurally unsafe, but at least I was willing to have the conversation.
There’s never a good time.

What’s love got to do with it?
At the end of the day: nothing. Ultimately I let my ego get in the way. As with the situation with my friends, I had no one to blame but myself.

Funny enough, there was some foreshadowing I didn’t even realize until the other day. I had completely disregarded this year’s Rules of Engagement as predicted. Sex does change everything. The best relationships last because the individuals put the unit above themselves.

You should however, make sure there’s a relationship before you handle yourself in that fashion. 🙂

We spoke. Actually it was more like awkward silence with a few statements in between.

“I don’t think this is gonna work out, but whatever we have…this thing between us, you know it’s bigger than us right?”

It’s hard to end things when you feel such a visceral connection to a person…when you can look into the sky and communicate. But love is not a spectator sport. The most important thing you can give someone is a chance and that was the one thing I didn’t have.

You’ve been telling me you don’t want a relationship every day for weeks now and I’ve been ignoring you…’cause you’re different from any man I’ve ever known. So that’s my fault, I should’ve walked away a long time ago. I can blame you for many things, but a lack of clarity is not one of them.
Grey’s Anatomy – Love, Loss and Legacy (adapted)

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Iyanla said on one of the Lifeclass webcasts all emotions can be reduced to either love or fear. That kind of makes sense to me.

All the anger, all the sadness. It’s all fear. Fear I’ll end up alone. Or worse, I’ll have to reduce my standards. I saw an opportunity, took a year to execute a plan but there was still push-back. But that’s life, and I’m grateful for the lesson(s).

The struggle continues.

I love you. But right now, I’m done with you.
Private Practice – …To Change the Things I Can

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