The name of the show is “Perception” and we’re all a part of the cast. Do you know your lines?
Gary – Because It’s Time 4 One
“OMG, he’s in love with you!”
He started to get agitated. I could tell by the look on his face he regretted it even came up in conversation.
“Don’t make assumptions. You don’t even know him.”
I just found out the man I was courting had a cuddle buddy. At our first meal out no less! But this wasn’t just some random person; it was his “best friend.”
This wasn’t the first time I encountered this misleading label phenomenon with a gay-identified man. When I moved to San Francisco and was getting to know The Puerto Rican in the program we would talk about the East Coast and the people in our lives. His “best friend” was the first person he mentioned and after weeks of long conversations it was clear to me he had deeper feelings for this man besides friendship.
Back at dinner, I wasn’t threatened, not even upset; just confused. I was assured nothing sexual ever went on between the two of them, but it still didn’t make any sense to me. If you were sharing your bed with this man, having physical intimacy every night, how was anyone new (read: me) supposed to enter the picture?
It’s like when you see a ten year old in a stroller.
Or when a thirty year old still lives with his parents.
There could be a perfectly good explanation for both scenarios, but it just looks bad.
I know tons of gay identified men with unnecessarily complicated relationships like this. I call this kind of friend Captain Cockblock. Like any good Captain, his job is to steer the ship (the man in the middle) in the direction he sees fit. Taking this analogy farther, if you represent land (a new frontier if you will) Captain Cockblock will do anything he can to keep the ship away from you. Because once the ship reaches land, his journey is over.
Beware, as he has many tools in his arsenal:
Captain Cockblock is that bastard who’s listed as “In a Relationship” with your future husband even though they’re “just friends.”
Captain Cockblock “was here first.” They have “history.”
Captain Cockblock will smear your name like it’s a presidential campaign.
Captain Cockblock keeps a record of all your transgressions and waits until the perfect moment to remind your future husband what a “horrible person” you are.
Captain Cockblock keeps feeding everyone drinks so he can better control the situation.
Captain Cockblock is always available, especially when you aren’t.
Captain Cockblock practices his helpless puppy dog face in the mirror every night before he goes to bed.
These kinds of relationships have larger implication as well. If a large chunk of gay identified men have these splintered/compartmentalized relationships, what does a successful relationship look like? If you’re cuddling with your “best friend” what is reserved for your “boyfriend/partner?”
I’ve been doing this kind of work for about ten years now. I’ve seen it all, heard it all. I don’t expect there to be one relationship template that works for everyone. But was the traditional monogamous relationship within grasp?
Having a map is essential to getting to your destination. So I ask you:
What is love?
“People like you ya know…but I found you first.”
Single White Female