Wishful Thinking

I realize that I’m asking you for everything, but I feel like if I don’t ask for what I want then what’s the point?
Private Practice – What We Have Here…

I asked him to be my boyfriend.
He said he didn’t want one.

I suppose in hindsight I could’ve seen this coming. But truth is, this wasn’t about “having a boyfriend.”

A lot’s happened in the last year. I got a promotion/raise at work (in this economy!), I found my dream apartment…I was willing my life to where I’ve been trying to go for the last decade and it felt amazing. Why couldn’t my love life be next?

And I was so confident about this one. I did my astrological homework, anticipated as many problems as I could and was prepared with solutions. But it eventually became clear I was the only one working on this relationship. As they used to say on Passions, secrets always come out in the end.

I think maybe when people say they need more time it means they’re not committed. And that doesn’t really work for me any more. So I need to know: are you in or are you out?
Private Practice – A Step Too Far

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If you’ve been taking Oprah’s Lifeclass you know the very important lesson I was ignoring: When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them. My list wasn’t as dramatic as the one above, but close enough that it was clear I wasn’t operating in reality.

Funny this is, when I published that post, my phone immediately blew up. Who is this guy? What’s so special about him? What the hell happened at that conference? My friends, some of whom I’ve known for years had never “seen” that side of me. They wanted to know everything.

And I don’t regret writing that piece. It’s me at my best, my most optimistic and my most vulnerable.

It’s also the Tony that gets chewed up and spit out every time he comes out to play.

As Oprah said in tonight’s Lifeclass, I didn’t see what was going on because I didn’t want to see it. But when I allowed myself to take the whole thing in and see what was right in front of me the entire time, I had to finally take responsibility.

Responsibility not only for the energy I was bringing into the relationship, but the energy I was allowing him to bring into my space.

Ambivalence and mixed messages had sucked up a year of my life. It was time I finally did something about it.

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