Category Archives: blog

Lucky Number 7

Don’t stop. Don’t write to impress anyone. They don’t really matter anyways. Write because it helps other people.

John Saddington via Medium

This month, The Black Sex Master turned seven years old!

I’ve decided to put the redesign aside and get back to basics.

It occurred to me the other day, all the Black gay men I used to read have pretty much stopped blogging. Many have even deleted their archives:

Darian has moved on to the GA Voice.

Trent’s website is gone.

Gary no longer updates his Blogspot.

Karsh is over it.

Sad state of affairs indeed.

I’m having more logistical issues:

Being in a doctoral program, I have very little free time to decompress. And when I do, blogging is the last thing on my mind.

(And more importantly) Having gone for so long, it’s hard for me to post the personal stories without people being able to figure out who these people are in real life. It wouldn’t be so bad if the kids weren’t so messy.

But there’s a lot I need to get off my chest. So we must press on!

Carrying the torch isn’t easy, but I still feel it’s important.

Daily Posts

I’ve been really inspired by YouTuber Casey Neistat. He recently talked about daily vlogging and how it’s gotten him to work on his craft in a different way than when he was trying to produce perfect videos. I’m guilty of the same. I’m a writer; I need to write.

So I’m committing to daily weekday posts in 2016. Maybe a little stream of consciousness, may be a full post, may be a podcast. Got to keep it exciting!

This should also help my academic writing. It was made perfectly clear in my first doctoral semester I need to be able to formulate my thoughts in a quicker turn around time than I’m used to.

Did I mention I’m in a PhD program?

Yeah, lots to catch up on.

Happy New Year,

– Dr. Sex Master

Six Years Later

Sixyears

We have a problem (more like an opportunity):

This blog turned six years old in July. It’s the longest I’ve ever had a blog, let alone a public one. When I started The Black Sex Master in 2009, I had just returned from San Francisco and needed a place to put the many thoughts racing through my mind regarding my Master’s experience.

Today, I’m back in NYC and simply put, happy. I still have much to say, but tend to get distracted enjoying my life.

It’s also interesting how important Boston Boy became to the “storyline” of this blog. People often ask me about him when they meet me in person. I guess that’s my fault. Some of these posts read like a romance novel gone wrong. Yikes! I think it’s time to return to me…get back to basics.

Anyway, let’s see what other tricks I have under my sleeve.

The truth is, I’m just getting started.

The Best of The Black Sex Master

Best of the best

When I launched this blog five years ago, I didn’t have any specific goals in mind. I just wanted to claim my part of the interwebs and experiment. It’s been an interesting ride to say the least, lol.

As I near my 200th post, I wanted to reflect on my favorite pieces. I’m unsure what the next five years hold for the site, but I do know the importance of telling your story on your terms will never disappear.

In no particular, yet organized order:

Trouble in Paradise
Hands down my favorite piece. Someone emailed me once and asked if all these stories are real. They are! You can’t make up this kind of debauchery. The piece perfectly exemplifies how silly my life is at times.

Playing For Keeps
Probably me at my most vulnerable. It was so hard to write. I had on Who is Jill Scott – Words and Sounds, Vol 1. for hours as I worked through the myriad of feelings I had (hence the quote). Considering I was paralyzed until I got it out cemented how cathartic writing is for me.

Looking for Love (In All the Wrong Races)
This was my attempt to translate what I actually do to a non-academic audience. I like the piece, though with the success of Talk About Sex, I’m beginning to think the written word isn’t the best venue to get these types of points across.

The Almost Date Raped Story
Arguably the most important piece I’ve published. Sexual assault continues to be a subject no one wants to talk about (seriously); especially men getting raped. Few people dared to comment/link to the post, but many people wanted to debrief about it in person. It was also a good post to begin to play with audio features on the site.

Love on Top
Speaking of audio, lol. Funny enough, this was more about honoring the guy in the recording than my ego. That remains some of the best head I’ve ever gotten, the least I could do was give him some internet infamy.

We Don’t Pay You to Think
For every post in this “black male working” series, there’s three more already written I can’t publish, lol. Also another one people want to talk about in person. I could make a whole tumblr on micro aggressions black man have to deal with in a work environment. I think I will one day.

An Orchid Kind of Love
This was my favorite of the “Boston Boy” series. I remember that weekend like it was yesterday. It was exactly what I needed to begin to make peace with the situation. If you’re keeping up with the gossip, you know orchids have become a running joke in our relationship.

Video Killed the Black (Gay) Blogging Star
It didn’t get a lot of traction, but I think this one of the more important pieces on the site. Trent would often call me the historian and the concerns I had then (specifically around archiving black gay male history) are still valid.

Preferences, Pride and Prejudice (Part 1 of 2)
For all the organic traffic this one got, I completely dropped the ball. I still have plans to publish Part 2, but I’m kind of over the whole internalized racism conversation to be honest with you.

Christina Aguilera Should Have Done the Michael Jackson Grammy Tribute
I’ve done several lists/Buzzfeed type posts (even before Buzzfeed existed), but this one is by far my favorite. Christina still doesn’t get the respect she deserves, but in the years since this piece was posted her legacy has continued to take shape. It was also interesting to see people who have no interest in black gay sex come to the site just to hate/defend her. It remains my most popular post to date.

Operating From a Deficit
I’m still a little uncomfortable with how many people connected to this one. There’s a lot of trauma in our community…I hope it helped someone in some way.

The Mandingo Manifesto: Branding The Black Sex Master

You probably don’t know this, but The Black Sex Master is actually the fourth iteration of my online personal blog/journal.

The first one I started right after high school when I attended Penn State. It was the first time I lived outside of New York and I needed a space to jot down my culture shock. The second version was called De Los Otros (From The Others) after the book of the same title. It’s probably the most important book regarding changing my career trajectory from journalist to sexuality scholar. I was also embracing my weirdness and thought it fit. This is also where The Quotes of the Week were born!

The third was named after my AOL hookup screename, but it was private and didn’t last too long.

When I returned from my Master’s program I had so much to say, so much on my mind. But I didn’t just want to write another blog. I also wanted to conduct an experiment.

At orientation, the former director of my program (a White man) warned us of what was to come (paraphrasing):

“You will be ostracized for studying sexuality. The legitimacy of your scholarship will always be in question. Other social sciences will look down on you…”

And he wasn’t wrong. In my day job I’m surrounded by MPH’s, MS’ and social workers who often not only think they’re better than me, but think their skill set is better (it never is).

This stigma is also internalized in the field and intersects with my other identities. I originally wanted to do my thesis interviewing porn stars. I was working in the business for a few years at that point and wanted to formally document what I was experiencing. But several of my teachers encouraged me to do a more “formal” thesis…especially if I wanted to subsequently get into a distinguished PhD program. Funny enough, they “let” a White gay man in my cohort do his thesis on porn. And I get it. Their goal was to get me prepared to be a professional gay. Black gay men need all the help we can get in the “good Negro” visibility department.

Speaking of the politics of respectability, did you know there’s this Asian professor who made his own straight porn to show Asian men are desexualized in media representation? Think a Black man could do that and still have an academic career? I doubt it. Especially ten/twenty years ago.

And then there was that defining moment second year. I was in the waiting room of our program staring at a wall of pamphlets. I realized our program’s tri-fold brochure had a Black women on it. And I thought to myself, “Wait, how many Black students have actually been in this program?!” Come to find out there were only four (out of roughly 40): two gay boys (one of which was in my cohort), a woman a few years before and myself. Pathetic.

And clearly there are other Black academics who have expertise in sexuality but have a “generic” degree, but I think my point still stands. They may market themselves as having an expertise in sexual orientation/gender (read LGBT), but not broader sexuality. The oversexed stereotype of Black folk is so powerful it was covertly eroding my ability to chart my career the way I wanted to. Ironically, the Mandingo effect: that Black men have big dicks and can’t stop fucking was preventing me from studying dicks and fucking for a living. Ain’t that some shit?

So I thought to myself, “If I’m going to always be more valued for my body than my mind, how the hell do I market myself as an intellectual and remain true to myself and my ideals.

Well, I didn’t have the answer to that question, but I figured out a fun way to proceed on my journey.

Looking at other blogs I enjoyed surrounding race and stereotypes, I realized some people were having fun with their branding. There’s Angry Asian Man; get it? He’s Asian, and angry, but no one cares because Asian men are feminine and non-threatening. Anti-Intellect, The Uppity Negro Network, the Field Negro, etc. But all the Black ones I read didn’t explicitly deal with sex (some LGBT, but that’s different).

At some point during the program, we started calling each other “sex masters.” And sure enough this URL was available. So I wanted to test a hypothesis: what if I have this crazy URL, but fill it just with words? Little to no crazy images, just the best writing on sexuality I could produce. What would it look like? How would people respond? Would that garner me the respect I so eagerly craved?

Four years later, I can answer that question; it’s a resounding NO.

Black man grinding

Black sex master

Black man rent

The Mandingo effect is so durable, I’m continually amazed. You wouldn’t believe how many people find this site googling for Black men to degrade, humiliate and fuck the shit out of them. I expected that in the beginning, and many of the earlier posts were designed to get these page views back when I expected to put advertising on the site.

Bitchtouse

It’s the same with the Facebook page. There’s no smut on it whatsoever, however not a week goes by without someone hitting me up out of pocket (as Joaquin would say) looking to be used and abused. Although, the about page isn’t really filled out (on purpose) If you click on the links, follow me on Twitter and read the posts you get of sense of what I do and why I named this site the way I did. The joke’s not that hard to get.

The Facebook page is also interesting because many of the people I know in real life (and who read and love this blog on a regular basis) refuse to interact with it because they don’t want their friends/family asking why they “associate with a Black Sex Master.” They’ll go straight to the site, refuse to like the page or share the posts. Even other sex masters! But I get feedback privately all the time. The number of FB fans is probably around half of those who read this blog on a regular basis.

But in the end, none of that matters. To many people, I’m nothing more than my genitalia. And that makes me sad. To paraphrase India.Arie, I am not my dick. I’m much more than that:

I’m a video game lover, especially Halo
I’m a loving uncle and brother
I’m a tech enthusiast and Apple fanboy
I’m probably the biggest Christina Aguilera fan you’ll ever meet

I should be able to talk about all these things and more. I should be able to be proud of all these facets of my life/personality. I should be able to name a site The Black Sex Master and not be blocked by spam filters when there’s no porn on the site.

My full humanity should be recognized and honored; personally and professionally.

It is my belief that as long as Black men (gay, straight or otherwise) are put in this box of hyper masculinity, we will never be free.

This blog is my resistance. And to be honest, it’s the only sanctuary I have left.

2012 Year in Review

2013

What an interesting year!

I really didn’t write as often as I wanted to in 2012. I attribute that to my (unsuccessful) attempt at securing a husband. But I did have some quality posts last year.

Surprisingly, Preferences, Pride and Prejudice (Part 1 of 2) became one of my most popular posts ever. I’ve held the follow-up to reflect on dating an API man for the last two years and re-examine my own bias. I think I’m ready to restart that conversation.

Trouble in Paradise was fun and probably my favorite. I still giggle at that nonsense. SMH.

As Richard pointed out, no one wanted to have the date rape/sexual assault conversation. Really disappointing actually. I got some really good (off the record) feedback on it though.

Love on Top was fun as well. We’re gonna have some more fun with audio this year.

Highlights
Hawaii – definitely going back soon
Finally seeing Fiona Apple live (twice!)
Bill O’Reilly staring me down at the Anita Baker concert. Pure comedy.
Meeting Chris Crocker and Tim Ferriss, among others.
Attending Oprah’s Lifeclass and seeing her work her magic in person.

2012 Quotes of the Year
[Trent having a core meltdown]
He always wants to get fucked.
He always wants to get fucked.
Straight boys always want to get fucked! ::ugh::
[Me] You say it like it’s a bad thing!

Woke up to a miss call from my probation officer!! freaking out a lil.
Always did like my trade rough around the edges

No refractory period
Marry me Cory Koons

Still remember my ex’s Netflix password
Danielle really is #winning

What happened to monogamy?
When you find him, let me know Teejay

Twitter is where I come to see gays with questionable income sources wax condescendingly about the finer things in life. Good times.
the alex via Twitter

No homo but Beyonce so fine I’d suck Jay-Z’s dick just to taste her pussy.
I’m sure this makes sense to someone

There needs to be a Cancer survivor’s group and I’m NOT talking about the disease!
(zing!)

Wait, I’m assuming you only date women?
I date anyone who’s not a shithead.
(Bisexuality week coming soon)

The war on drugs didn’t fail, it successfully locked up a huge chunk of the black population in the United States.
Ferrari Sheppard via Twitter

I’m so glad I’m in my thirties.
Will McNair

Three Years Later

Three years

The greatest thing happened last year: I moved into my own place. No roommates, no partner, no parents; it’s hands down the best decision I’ve ever made. Everyone should live by themselves for at least one year.

However, this has made the blog suffer. I took the last year to relax (for once) and spend countless hours getting lost in my head. You should see the amount of unfinished posts there are behind the curtain.

Quantity aside, I am happy about the quality of posts achieved in year three. I really didn’t expect Preferences, Pride and Prejudice (part 1 of 2) to be so popular. I seemed to have have hit a nerve. I think we will embrace this rant tone moving forward and see what happens.

Conversely, I was really disappointed with the lack of interest for the recent HIV/AIDS post. Are people not used to having serious conversations on this site or do we just not care?

People who know me in person (who refuse to like the Facebook fan page) also give me great feedback on the more personal posts. Talking about sex in explicit detail is common fair for me, but I should’ve anticipated the voyeuristic aspect it would create. Even though there’s no explicit images on the site, there’s still a shame factor attached. I’m constantly fascinated by who chooses not to answer me on twitter simply because of the name. I think I have a solution for that as well.

Unfortunately we didn’t get the redesign done, but it’s not like anyone’s financially supporting the site.

My major goal for the next year is to be consistent. We’re just gonna let it all hang out and see what happens. It’s time I recommitted to challenging myself.

Thank you for coming along for the journey.

Two Years Later

cake_2_years.jpg

image from dryicons

It was a risk moving away from the Quotes of the Week, but it helped me accomplish my major goal for year two: to get more intimate.

Truth is, I’ve been holding back. It’s a thin line between too much information (TMI) and relevant background. But the feedback I’ve received as well as the popularity of certain posts made me realize my place in the market. We’re going to take it up a notch in year three.

Now that Adam Irby and Karsh have disabled their blogs, I own the “sexcapades” and dating/relationship niche (respectively, haha). But seriously, it’s hard to find reflective personal sites especially around sexuality, especially from a black male perspective. I do take pride in producing content you’re not going to see anywhere else. You can’t buy this type of randomness.

Changes in my personal life have also allowed me to try new things. Lookout for some fun new things and a redesign in the fall.

If there’s any internal critique I have, I realize my varied interests have made the posts rather scatter-brained. I will try to do more theme week/months so it’s easier for everyone to follow.

Thank you all again for sharing in this journey. If I’ve helped one person find their inner sex master it was worth it. But this is my therapy, my healing and I look forward to what the future may bring.