Quotes of the Week: Free at Last

Minion pumpkin
residual Halloween mischief

This piece should be called “The Down Low: It’s Not Just For Negroes Anymore”
Dehrenstein via NY Mag comments

“If there’s anybody out there who’s an adult and who would like to ask me out,” she says, “please call Harper’s Bazaar.”
I heart Sharon Stone

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Sarah Jones via Twitter

My childhood (pre teen) best friend dropped out of a prominent women’s college in her sophomore year to run off to California with her computer programming prof. She got in on the ground floor of some major software firm and recently “retired” with beaucoup bucks. I have no idea what the lesson here is.
If you have an affair don’t have it with a humanities professor?
I dated my university professor – and it was a messy, eye-opening experience (The Guardian)

“I won’t get a better offer,” he said firmly.
Taking A Break for Friendship (NY Times)

From the looks of it, You got all the sugar you need…
I heart Brian Nieh commenters

Most of the single people I know are looking for someone. In general, human beings seem to be happier in relationships. Or maybe happy isn’t the right word.
Quirkyalone is Still Alone (NY Times)

It’s easy to understand where the “fakeness” comes from; there are indeed hucksters, peddlers of propaganda, fly-by-nighters, so people here must protect themselves, but it’s different in Miami. You don’t see these “masks” in New York or Chicago or Boston.
Miami Is So Fake It’s Frustrating (HuffPost)

Ego is cool. I need her to keep the ship afloat, and she definitely has skills to keep me tethered to the world. But she has no wisdom, no new ideas, and certainly no mercy. For that, I must venture a few floors down.
Amy Brenneman on The Leftovers Season 2

Love is another word for obligation. To love, truly, you must be in everlasting combat against your own desire to dominate those who might not have your strength, resources, or status.
The Matter of Forgiveness (Son of Baldwin via Gawker)

Six Years Later

Sixyears

We have a problem (more like an opportunity):

This blog turned six years old in July. It’s the longest I’ve ever had a blog, let alone a public one. When I started The Black Sex Master in 2009, I had just returned from San Francisco and needed a place to put the many thoughts racing through my mind regarding my Master’s experience.

Today, I’m back in NYC and simply put, happy. I still have much to say, but tend to get distracted enjoying my life.

It’s also interesting how important Boston Boy became to the “storyline” of this blog. People often ask me about him when they meet me in person. I guess that’s my fault. Some of these posts read like a romance novel gone wrong. Yikes! I think it’s time to return to me…get back to basics.

Anyway, let’s see what other tricks I have under my sleeve.

The truth is, I’m just getting started.

Quotes of the Week: Digging Deep

Patrick

picture at Gawker

Isn’t the point of having an affair is that you can pour champagne down someone’s ass and then drink it?
good question BeyoncesNoPantsDance

Christina that shit!
So mad I know what he meant and I didn’t even watch Eurovision.

What was Play-Doh thinking?
That mommy needs playtime too.
Zing!

Do you like waffles or pancakes?
Cakes. Always.
Jussie trolling his female fan base.

Who has dated a Puerto Rican man? Let’s share stories.
The replies!!

Cheryl Lynn and Anita [Baker] beefing is like your auntie’s spades game gone wrong and someone stood up.
#TeamAnita

I have encountered 10x more racism in the gay porn industry than in real life. From the models all the way to the studios. I’m tired of it.
Diesel Washington would be a great interview.

I don’t think people know what to do with a black girl who is free and a father who is fostering, rather than stifling, that freedom.
What If We Were Free?: Riley Curry and Blackgirl Freedom (Crunk Feminist Collective)

Music, like sex, can transport you.
cosign with Terry McMillan

Two passionate souls under the moon.
We can dance my love, under the heavens above, watch our world shed away to a brand new one. A new design that is faithful and true. A new life to share, a balance of me and you.
Something Beautiful

We don’t need me-too, we need new and different. And unless you’re gonna do new and different, stay where you are.
ReCode To Vox (The Leftsetz Letter)

Every place you are in can teach u something. Now if you want to learn it is another thing entirely.
Yolo Akili

For the first time in a long time, I don’t know what’s next. This should be interesting!
Marcus Bellamy

There’s More Out There: The Rules of Engagement 2015

Looking HBO Gay tv

2014 will go down in history as a banner year.

I was reflecting on the year trying to figure out why things went so well and I had a realization; 2014 was all about focus. Towards the end of the year I was trying to figure out the next mountain to climb. Then the shit hit the fan (more on that later).

When HBO started the promo for Looking here in NYC, the tagline read, “there’s more out there.” I was initially confused.

The Patrick/Richie storyline was near and dear to my heart. Who would want more than Richie? But as the season went on, it started to make more sense.

You have to continue to challenge yourself; especially in relationships.

You have to make smarter decisions.

But you have to take chances.

You have to continue to fight for your dreams.

In 2015, I commit to not let my success make me complacent. I commit to live life to the fullest and to focus on the things I do have control over.

It’s a big world. And there’s more out there.

Quotes of the Week: Caviar Ratchet

Photo Jan 09 11 59 06 AM

“I’d fuck him but he couldn’t spend the night.”
commenter Jai (the man with the plan)
Lucas Entertainment Hires Hung Argentinian Model Who Apparently Killed His Father and Brother (The Sword)

I don’t know, I guess they should be more down to fuck since their holes were made for pounding.
omg what?!
(Gary shenanigans)

Fixing your physical image just to choose the same niggas who rejected you in the first place…
Bloop!

Julianne Moore should’ve won for yelling “suck my dick” at that pharmacist in Magnolia.
@captain_fuck via Twitter

Appreciating Jordan Sparks’ sense of humor more every day.

LoL. Someone said the blacks watched Empire and the African-Americans watched Blackish.
TeeHee

I’m not sure if Bill Cosby is guilty or not, but I DO know that y’all have been letting Roman Polanski and Woody Allen live for almost 40 years.
Vinnie Paz via Twitter

If you’ve been “falsely accused” of drugging & raping women, it’d PROBABLY not be a good idea to go on stage & tell jokes about it.
Franchesca Ramsey via Twitter

Job descriptions be like “Must be fluent in 5 languages, able to work 60+ hours a week, have 3 degrees. $10/hr”
Kitty Azalea via Twitter

Yeah, I was one of the Lost Boys myself, out here putting a price on my body, but what the hell. How long was I supposed to go without any sex? If I can’t get it for free, why not get paid for it?
When You’re Strange (Gilded Moments: Confessions of a Gay Nympho)

Imagine if we loved each other the way some people love Beyoncé.
Donovan with a point.

Accountability is essential. I can’t rock with you if you can’t be person enough to hold yourself accountable; I don’t trust that.
Why Chase and I get along

Protect your joy. Defend your dreams. Stay humble. Sometimes it’s that simple.
alex elle via Twitter

Quotes of the Week: All In

Audre Lorde hold me

photo via dopegirlfresh

(drunk and confused)
Wait so you know a Yolo and a Bolo?
Yes, lol.

CORINNE BAILEY RAE HAS HAD IT WITH YOU HUCK OKAY
still giggling (Scandal humor)

Brooklyn is over. Done. Finished. Brooklyn as brand has overtaken Brooklyn as place, turning itself over fully to the project that was always its greatest work in the first place: the cultivation of a luxury lifestyle.
New York Observer

Lock your doors, people, and tonight, flush your toilet a little harder.
Fort Greene Residents Insufficiently Horrified By Neighbor’s Giant Leaking Pee Bags (Gothamist)

He’s the King of all Gingers!
Prince Harry: I might experiment with gay men if my relationship doesn’t work out. (Pink News)

Contrary to popular belief, opinions are not like assholes, because in today’s gay world, assholes are glorious and sexy and displayed prominently in photos sent to you from potential suitors. Opinions on a date are more like your lesbian best friend: We know she’s important to you and we’re glad you have her, but we have no idea why you’d want to introduce us to her on a first meeting and turn the evening into a serious downer.
17 Practical Gay Dating Tips for the New Age (Huffington Post)

Jennifer Lopez in the “Waiting for Tonight” video is my spirit animal.
Mine too Matt, mine too.

In these economically fraught times, it’s easy to forget that the super rich earned their right to never see you, hear you, smell you, or consider your pitiful existence. Expecting them to share an entrance would be unfair.
NYC Approves Apartment Building With Separate Entrance for Poor People

Got into an argument randomly with the cabby last night about Tyrese’s place in R&B. How does this happen?
Kyle Harvey via Twitter

LOL Rihanna. She doesn’t give a single fuck anymore. She’s just walking around, modeling fashions and yodeling LMAO!!! Get your life girl. I can’t even be mad.
commenter backto1960

We’re constantly told that it takes a village to raise a child. But when I look at the recent epidemic of domestic violence charges against NFL players, I’m convinced we need to take another look at those in our village whom we allow to help raise our children.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Not Everyone in the Village Is Worthy of Raising a Child (Time)

In a lot of ways, these events happening in the world are separating the real from the fake. The weak from the strong…survival of the fittest.
Trent Jackson – Ok. Wait. PAUSE.

All the women in these pages—who went on to become journalists, entre­­­preneurs, real-estate agents, and sexagenarian nude models; who married, divorced, and, in one case, gave birth to a Victoria’s Secret supermodel — say the Playmate title imbued them with a sense of confidence that seems more of a precursor to the sexual freedom of third-wave feminists than related to the objectification and degradation that their contemporaries saw in the magazine.
The View From a Centerfold (NY Mag)

This is a problem much bigger than Facebook. It reminded me of what can go wrong in society, and why we now often talk at each other instead of to each other.
I Liked Everything I Saw on Facebook for Two Days. Here’s What It Did to Me (Wired)

One of the worst parts about loving someone who won’t love you back is the time you waste committed to that person while they’re off doing something without you—loving other people, caring about other things. They show up once in a while and you abide with your undivided attention. Then, when you finally get over it, you wonder why you gave so much to a lost cause.
Stefan Schumacher – It’s Finally Time to Stop Caring About Lauryn Hill

Once you have been mentally fucked all sex after is just a bad handjob!

It’s Cool

Run away with me

Hope that’s cool
Cause I’m really not trying to
Impose but I suppose that
I’m supposed to be here
With you
With eyes as sad as mine I think you’ll find
You need me just like I need you, yeah

But it’s cool
We ain’t gotta be nothing
It’s true
I’d actually prefer it, yeah
It’s on you, it’s on you, it’s on you
It’s on you, it’s on you, it’s on you
It’s on you, it’s on you, it’s on you
It’s on you, cause I’m cool

Jhene Aiko – It’s Cool

To the One That Got Away,

So many things have happened the last few years; joy, disappointment, miscommunication…

…but I keep going back to the first time we met. It’s really the only time I had you alone.

You were more beautiful than I could imagine. It’s not often I’m impressed (let alone speechless). As I sat across that table I couldn’t help fixate on a piece of pie hanging on the corner of your mouth. I wanted to take my thumb, ever so gently and whisk it away. Before I did other things with that bottom lip.

Do you remember what you said when I could no longer help myself and explicitly hit on you? It’s etched in my brain forever.

“I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.”

I could tell by your smile you didn’t have a problem with the thought…with the possibilities “we” could result in.

And I’ve played the game long enough to know desire does not equal a relationship. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed we didn’t get to talk it out; compare needs, discuss ambitions…see if there was any overlap. In my heart of hearts I think it could’ve worked. But the baggage, the trauma we both bring to the situation won’t let us be great.

I never thought you were Superman. I didn’t seek you out to save me. I just wanted a chance…an opportunity to verify what I already knew; the love we share is pure. And rare. And undeniable.

There’s so much I want to say, but I don’t want to belabor this. Your boy seems likes a nice guy. You seem happy even.

But we both know it’s a very safe decision.

To be clear, I wish nothing but the best for you. If you truly believe he’s what you want/need at the moment, I hope you’re right (for everyone’s sake).

Because desire (like that) doesn’t go away.

Not when the connection is that genuine. Not when the energy is handed down from the universe. You can’t repress that kind of yearning.

Ask your friend Boston Boy (he knows).

Besides, you’re brilliant. On a certain level I think that’s why you’ve done your best to not be alone with me after that. Unfortunately (for both of us), my powers extend beyond the physical.

I know you’re busy; new job, new city…starting over is hard work, trust me. Best of luck with that.

If I have any hope it’s one day I can sit across from you again, without all the noise and distractions and we can figure out a plan to sit in the sun together…if only for a moment.

Because that’s how I prefer to see us.

Love,

Tony

Revolution Deferred: On Loving Other Black Men

Tongues untied

“As long as we reject ourselves, as long as we continue to harm our own body and mind, there is no point in talking about loving and accepting others.”
Thich Nhat Hanh – Teachings on Love

I wasn’t expecting to see anyone who looked like me at the orientation of my master’s program. But there he was: another Black man around my age. During the mingling period, I tried to walk over to talk to him, but I could tell he was actively avoiding me. It would be months later before I confronted him.

“I didn’t want people to think that just because we were both Black men we would click.”

I was confused. Who cared what they thought? And if it worked out that we were close, would that be such a bad thing?

At the first adult video company I worked for, my boss gathered all the models and staff for a holiday dinner. Our flagship bottom was there and we never met. He wouldn’t say anything to me the entire night. It would be several more times at work before he even felt comfortable talking to me.

I was at a birthday party in September with about a dozen Black gay men. It started off rather cordial, but after everyone had a few drinks, the shade was flowing as well. Another guest and I discussed after the affair how uncomfortable we felt. How could you be so disrespectful to someone you just met?

If you’re an avid reader of this blog, you know I have plenty more stories like these. It has taken me the last few years to accept most of the interactions I’ve had with other black gay men haven’t been positive. But this post really isn’t about me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my work in HIV. Thinking about what’s kept me negative, what I wish were different, what it would take to actually end the epidemic.

I was in one of my high level meetings; the power players that make decisions. One official from [that other city I love where my 2nd future husband currently lives, redacted] got up to present and was like:

“We have a problem with older Black men infecting young Black men.”

I sat with it for a minute. My first thought was, that makes sense: if I were 50 years old, beat down (literally and figuratively) by racism, poverty, etc. I could see myself splashing off in a nineteen year old every so often just to cope. Using condoms or getting an undetectable viral load would be the last thing on my mind.

My second thought was, that’s not really a problem public health can fix.

And it would help if the White people in charge cared, but they don’t. Most of them are very smart people, some are actually very lovely. But to most, this is just a job. They collect their paycheck and go home to their privilege where none of these problems exist.

Then what is the solution? Take matters into our own hands of course!

But we can’t even be nice to one another.

To be clear, these problems I speak of are not exclusive to Black gay men. And I’m sure there’s a myriad of reasons why all of this is so, even legitimate ones like trauma. That came up in that GMAD meeting. I’ve been trying to be more mindful of my privilege growing up and how lack of trauma was just as important to access to resources.

The problem is we don’t have the numbers; the loss of one exponentially affects us in ways it doesn’t other demographics. Whether it’s one organization folding, one leader quitting or one more infected.

And I don’t want to be too jaded. There are many doing great work and fighting the good fight. If they even help one, I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s a bandaid on a gunshot wound.

Speaking of, it didn’t occur to me leading community prevention work in the largest city in the country would be a big deal.

…until I realized there hasn’t been a Black gay man in this role in over a decade.

…until I realized I was the youngest Black man in the huge meeting in Atlanta at [that federal agency, redacted]. Which is a problem considering I’m going to be 33 very soon.

And every other time I’m in one of these spaces/situations. I’m proud of the work I’ve done, I just wish it were enough.

The draft of this piece has been written for years now. I keep saving it, revisiting it and hoping I have a better ending each time.

…but I’m still stuck on we can’t be nice to one another.

So if Black men loving Black men is the revolutionary act, I won’t hold my breath. Cause the revolution won’t be televised. Not anytime soon anyway.

P.S. This isn’t the blame game. I had a role in all the above situations. I’ve hurt other black gay men too. I’m working on me every day.

The Best of The Black Sex Master

Best of the best

When I launched this blog five years ago, I didn’t have any specific goals in mind. I just wanted to claim my part of the interwebs and experiment. It’s been an interesting ride to say the least, lol.

As I near my 200th post, I wanted to reflect on my favorite pieces. I’m unsure what the next five years hold for the site, but I do know the importance of telling your story on your terms will never disappear.

In no particular, yet organized order:

Trouble in Paradise
Hands down my favorite piece. Someone emailed me once and asked if all these stories are real. They are! You can’t make up this kind of debauchery. The piece perfectly exemplifies how silly my life is at times.

Playing For Keeps
Probably me at my most vulnerable. It was so hard to write. I had on Who is Jill Scott – Words and Sounds, Vol 1. for hours as I worked through the myriad of feelings I had (hence the quote). Considering I was paralyzed until I got it out cemented how cathartic writing is for me.

Looking for Love (In All the Wrong Races)
This was my attempt to translate what I actually do to a non-academic audience. I like the piece, though with the success of Talk About Sex, I’m beginning to think the written word isn’t the best venue to get these types of points across.

The Almost Date Raped Story
Arguably the most important piece I’ve published. Sexual assault continues to be a subject no one wants to talk about (seriously); especially men getting raped. Few people dared to comment/link to the post, but many people wanted to debrief about it in person. It was also a good post to begin to play with audio features on the site.

Love on Top
Speaking of audio, lol. Funny enough, this was more about honoring the guy in the recording than my ego. That remains some of the best head I’ve ever gotten, the least I could do was give him some internet infamy.

We Don’t Pay You to Think
For every post in this “black male working” series, there’s three more already written I can’t publish, lol. Also another one people want to talk about in person. I could make a whole tumblr on micro aggressions black man have to deal with in a work environment. I think I will one day.

An Orchid Kind of Love
This was my favorite of the “Boston Boy” series. I remember that weekend like it was yesterday. It was exactly what I needed to begin to make peace with the situation. If you’re keeping up with the gossip, you know orchids have become a running joke in our relationship.

Video Killed the Black (Gay) Blogging Star
It didn’t get a lot of traction, but I think this one of the more important pieces on the site. Trent would often call me the historian and the concerns I had then (specifically around archiving black gay male history) are still valid.

Preferences, Pride and Prejudice (Part 1 of 2)
For all the organic traffic this one got, I completely dropped the ball. I still have plans to publish Part 2, but I’m kind of over the whole internalized racism conversation to be honest with you.

Christina Aguilera Should Have Done the Michael Jackson Grammy Tribute
I’ve done several lists/Buzzfeed type posts (even before Buzzfeed existed), but this one is by far my favorite. Christina still doesn’t get the respect she deserves, but in the years since this piece was posted her legacy has continued to take shape. It was also interesting to see people who have no interest in black gay sex come to the site just to hate/defend her. It remains my most popular post to date.

Operating From a Deficit
I’m still a little uncomfortable with how many people connected to this one. There’s a lot of trauma in our community…I hope it helped someone in some way.

Love in Black and White

Black black

The funniest part of that night: he brought me Hennessy.

Hennessy!

Everyone who knows me knows I don’t drink brown liquor. Besides, we had a conversation about my love for tequila days prior. I didn’t really understand.

But stereotypes are powerful like that.

An orchid kind of love this was not; but it’s the closest thing I’ve had to effort in a long time.

When was the last time someone sought me out?
When was the last time someone worshipped my body? (and not the other way around)
When was the last time someone made it a priority to please me?

Admittedly it was nice. There wasn’t really the spark I hoped for, but what we lacked in chemistry we made up with in kink.

“Ask me again if I’m an experienced top.”

I thrusted harder…deeper this time. A shiver ran through his obliques while a smirk emerged from his lips. He wanted to be disrespected and I was happy to oblige. Got to give the people what they want no?

One Mandingo fantasy coming right up!

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want…specifically from men. And whom to get it from. I’ve also been thinking a lot about my place in the sexual marketplace and how that bodes for my personal goals.

If there’s anything the last situation taught me, it’s companionship ain’t shit if you don’t see the person on a regular basis. Especially the way we socialize men to enter a space, get their needs met and walk away. I’m actually really tired of my future husbands coming and going as they please but not taking my feelings into account.

“I got feelings too.”

By the end of the night I ran out of lube…and excuses. There was no reason to stay in this cycle of disappointment. If I wasn’t getting my needs met, it was my job to find what I was looking for elsewhere.

Hell, I didn’t have to look far. He was on his knees licking up the rest of the cum off the floorboards.

The joke’s on me.

Tammy Hennessy