Tag Archives: equivocality

Gone and Never Coming Back


This [song] is about closing a chapter in your life. Whether you’ve lost someone physically, mentally or emotionally‚Ķthere’s a lot of emotions that go into that; frustration, anger‚Ķand it’s OK to feel that way. When it’s time to close that chapter in your life, it’s not always easy to say goodbye, but sometimes necessary.
Melanie Fiona – The MF Life commentary

Something happens when you turn thirty. A shift. I can’t find the words to explain it, but it’s there.

In my case, I think I just stopped apologizing for being myself. When you’re self-aware at an early age people kind of freak out. Then the policing begins as people try to change what they deem unacceptable.

Turning thirty also coincided with living by myself for the first time. The move has been a blessing and a curse. I often spend days in silence thinking about this thing called life. And there’s no one to help wash the dishes.

Jeff wrote this really poignant turning thirty series and I though, let me try this out for a few years before I write something down. I can’t say I’ve come up with anything amazing.

The most interesting experience has been figuring out who I am outside of a formal educational setting. School was synonymous with my twenties, there was this void when I got back from San Francisco I’m still unsure how to fill.

Ah, and then there are the men. So many beautiful disasters. If there’s anything I miss about my youth it’s my innocence. There’s a kind of dreaming that is rarely possible to maintain in your thirties. A heart can only break into so many pieces.

Truthfully, I’m just happy to be here. I meet so many young Black/brown men who don’t think they’re going to “make it” past thirty (finances, violence, HIV, etc.) and hence don’t act/plan accordingly. I also had little/no gay examples growing up so I was just making it up as I was going along.

But I’m grateful every day for the journey. And the opportunity to learn new lessons.