Tag Archives: race

Quotes of the Week: Naughty or Nice?


Don’t Drake and Drive kids!
(video taken down, but trust me it was amazing)

what. the. hell? I feel like I just drunk stumbled into homo Narnia.
strange4sumchange – The Mall (NSFW)

Shout out to the lady who shouts “YOU BETTA SHUT UP!” in church instead of “Hallelujah!” and “Amen!” like normal people.
vinabean via Twitter

Why are the kids so obsessed with zodiac signs? After “What’s your position?” it’s “What’s your sign?” A lot of y’all crazy regardless.
astrology: not for everyone

Gays gonna miss out on love trying to chase after a picture perfect life with a masculine top that doesn’t exist.
We exist.
the constant struggle for visibility

I’m trying to raise sex-positive kids in a sexually abusive, shaming world.
FeministaJones fighting the good fight

The irony of an arts school screening Paris is Burning while trying to charge kids $15 to enter their event. #missedpoint
Diego Diaz

In emergency situations, Audra McDonald’s vibrato can power a small city for updates of 60 hours.
John Anthony via Twitter (Sound of Music Live)

A bitch will find a misspelled word in your post but can’t find they biological father.
The shadiest tweet of 2013

There’s a shift amongst the gays on the train today. Instead of staring each other down, we giving the “You got that Bey right?” look.
Beyonce = Peace

Quinn too fat to be pulling Columbiana moves.
Hershey with the best Scandal quotes of the season (and there were plenty)

Conan: Stop reminding us that we live in the Christian capitalist version of North Korea. Ignorance is bliss!

(my fav) It’s OK… you can admit it… if you have a Journalism degree and you’re banging your head on your desk.

Conan Proves Once Again That All Local News Is National

She need to pull a Snowden and stay in the terminal till she negotiates asylum with Black Twitter.
Has Justine Landed Yet?

As for why African-Americans don’t make the list, the authors believe that the Civil Rights Movement took away any hope for a superiority narrative, and so the black community is screwed…
Tiger Mom: Some Cultural groups are superior (NY Post)

I’ll bet you can buy Skittles in any neighborhood you want.
jendziura – When “Life Hacking” Is Really White Privilege

Trayvon is dead and his killer is on eBay, literally about to make hundreds of thousands off of his murder. My God.
Tahir Jetter via Twitter

Ending a friendship—even a long term one—need not be dramatic or nasty. Simply saying that you no longer feel like there is a place in your life for it or saying goodbye and that it’s time to move on, while thanking them for the memories, may be more than enough.
Three signs it’s time to end a friendship (Elephant Journal)

Quotes of the Week: March Madness


(To Puerto Rican colleague)
Yeah, I can’t really drink vodka, it fucks with my stomach.
I can’t drink vodka cause it fucks with my emotions. (Oop!)

(straight boy friend dating older woman)
…besides her liver spots, she’s awesome!

A hooker, like a magician never reveals her tricks.
Cosigning with Chester Orlino

If you are letting someone hit your snatch’s bullseye with raw semen darts, don’t be surprised when they score!
Shane B. Johnson – Fugitive Wanted For Intentionally Spreading HIV to Hundreds of Gay Men in Tri-State Area (Son of Baldwin)

Walgreens after dark
H/T Cord Jefferson

Which one is better for a young, black, gay man looking for friendship: jack’d or grindr?
Um, the library maybe?

Hell is needing lube but having your ex work at the only adult store in town.
Jeremy with Central Valley Boy Problems

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Chase Mitchell via Twitter

Prince Royce is the Frank Ocean of Spanish music.

When it comes to Rihanna, I usually just wish we can skip to the drug overdose and be done with her. She makes a catchy tune though.
Mr. Jones gives the best compliments

If gays say “boy pussy” do lesbians say “girl dick?”
Dawn Budgie with a good question

To put that into context: More people visit WorldStarHipHop.com than CBS.com (#200) and New York Daily News (#232.)
Viral video of beating puts WorldStarHipHop on hot seat (The Grio)

The most dangerous people on this planet are those who just sit and watch what is going on.
Paulo Coelho

Black people don’t dream up ways to kill White people. We just wanna be free. That’s all.
LoveMySkip via Twitter

Preferences, Pride and Prejudice (Part 1 of 2)


What does it mean when someone excludes themselves from dating an entire race based on a few personal experiences?
Lonnell Williams

You may want to watch these videos before you continue reading:

The original interview

Response from “the community”

Follow-up from Zeric

Don’t have time right now? I’ll give you the CliffNotes version:

Black Cuban model who was on a reality show does an interview on a popular internet show and explains he doesn’t date other Black/Latino men because they gossip too much, are incapable of monogamy and he prefers someone who doesn’t party a lot because his past relationships have been ruined due to him being “in the public eye.”

First I want to commend Lonnell for digging deeper when he didn’t have to. His Pillow Talk series has historically been playful and he could have easily glossed over the statement.

Also, I’ve never met Zeric nor did I watch Model City so I know very little about him. He’s made it perfectly clear he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’ll be the first one to tell folk not to expect much from celebrities/public figures.

It’s not so much his opinion; I’m much more disturbed by how many people are defending his statements. If you check the comments on all three videos (as well as video responses and on facebook) many people don’t seem to have a problem with what he said at all. They say:

I get where he’s coming from (He’s right: Atlanta queens are messy)
Attraction is attraction (the “innate” argument)
Dude was keeping it 100% (real) and like he said his comments were directly related to his experiences (the truth hurts)
Why is everyone so concerned about his personal life/preferences? (it’s none of our business if he prefers Italian/White men)

It’s really fascinating when you think about it.

A similar incident happened in 2008: A C-list rapper did an interview explaining he doesn’t like “dark butts” (dark skinned women). Black women rallied together; the collective response was we won’t tolerate this nonsense. They made sure Yung Berg stayed a one-hit-wonder.

Do we, Black/Latino gay/bisexual men (as a group of people) not have the same level of self respect?

Why is general racism (read: especially when it comes from White people) not OK, but sexual racism acceptable?

If you’ve had bad personal experiences dealing with a category of people, is it legitimate to write off everyone who fits that category in the future?

Swanee from Da Doo-Dirty Show, while talking about the Zeric controversy revealed he doesn’t date light-skinned Latino men because he was raped by two brothers when he was seven (41:00).

Justified racism or untreated PTSD? Both?

Microsoft just patented an “Avoid Ghetto” GPS app to help motorist steer clear of “dangerous” neighborhoods.

Racist or a good use of technology? Both?

The rates of HIV are so high in gay/bisexual Black men, should HIV negative men (including other Black men) avoid having sex with Black men to avoid getting HIV/STDs?

I guess this whole “Stop and Frisk” policy here in NYC isn’t so bad then eh? Young Black/Latino men commit a good percentage of crimes, we’ll just have to stop and search all of them even if there’s no probable cause.

Where do you draw the line?

(to be continued)

Looking for Love (In All the Wrong Races)

Boy, boys, all type of boys. Black, White, Puerto Rican, Chinese boys…
– Missy Elliott: Work It

When I was in first grade I had three best friends:

One was Black.
One was White.
And the other was half Chinese and half Puerto Rican.

From a very young age, I have been exposed to other races/ethnicities. As I grew older and began to explore my sexual desires this openness has continued.

It has become painfully clear dating over the last ten years I am the exception and not the rule.

The first boy I ever kissed was Jamaican, but overall I was never masculine enough for the other Black boys (again, I didn’t know the cues so it was hard bonding with them). The White boys didn’t pay attention to me because I was Black (racism). There weren’t many Asians in my neighborhood so that was a non-issue. I am primarily attracted to Latinos because that’s who accepted me for who I was (androgyny and all) during my formative years of sexual socialization. Although my truth is I don’t have a type (friends disagree with me about this all the time), I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge it’s easier for me to relate to Latinos, especially those from Central America (although it varies by country). But I never seek anyone out/disregard someone solely because of their race/ethnicity.

I have my prejudices and experiences just like everyone else, but in general when I meet someone I don’t have expectations based on their race/ethnicity. This objectivity/reflexivity is a learned trait. Most of us don’t realize how our beliefs and perceptions about people from different racial groups inform our sexual experiences (within our own race and with different racial groups).

This is what I study for a living. In the research we call it sexual partnering and sexual stereotyping. Dr. Patrick Wilson, a psychologist at Columbia University (and co.) recently published a paper that sums up the state of gay dating pretty well (full citation below). For now, let me give you the short version of the story:

The White guys were primarily attracted to Latinos.
The Black guys were primarily attracted to other Blacks and Latinos.
The Latinos were attracted to their own or White guys.
And Asians were primarily attracted to White guys.

I made a handy little graphic to help explain the results. (see Figure 1.)

gay dating.jpg

Now this study involved a racially diverse sample of men who use the Internet to engage in bareback (raw) sex with other men in the New York City area, but I would argue this is the case for most major US cities.

There’s a lot going on here (ie. access, isolation, self-hatred, etc.) but on a superficial level (call me naive), but I really didn’t realize how segregated we still are! Having friends/lovers from different races (let alone age, country of origin, etc.) has just been my experience and is second nature to me. Notice the only two way street is between Whites and Latinos. So theoretically, interracial pairing outside of that is hard to come by (ie. Blacks with Asians).

I usually meet a guy, see him as a human being and try to get to know him as an individual and go from there. Silly, privileged me! I’ve been going about this all wrong. According to the research, I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong races.


Wilson, P. A., Valera, P., Ventuneac, A., Balan, I., Rowe, M., & Carballo-Diéguez, A. “Race-based sexual stereotyping and sexual partnering among men who use the Internet to identify other men for bareback sex” Journal of Sex Research [Epub ahead of print] 2009

Of Boyfriends and Beauty Bias

And think about it this way. Capitalism always trumps beauty—because it trumps everything.
Raina Kelley; Beauty Is Defined, and Not By You

Everyone get out a pen and paper!

There’s this exercise I like to do with people when talking about attraction. It’s a free-write to a simple question:

Describe your ideal partner.

No other direction. Keep writing until you feel like you’re being redundant. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

I love this exercise because it’s a really great way to see where the person’s head is at. These conversations usually start because friends comes to me when they can’t find suitable people to date. In my mind the easy fix to this problem is to examine your priorities.

Let’s use my (ex) husband Joaquin as an example. I took the liberty of transcribing one of his recent videos describing his perfect guy. Using his words, he’s looking for someone:

that dresses well
with good hygiene
that carries themselves well
muscles (“don’t hurt”)
that can carry a conversation
that can spit game (i.e. poetry)
has swagger (romantic)
writes letters/draws pictures (creativity)
has a car/money for public transportation
has a job/hard worker

I’m going to stop there (he goes on for a while, lol). Now order is important. With most of the straight-identified males I do this experiment with, at least half of the top ten will have to do with body parts and the rest varies. If you watch the entire video, you see Joaquin likes calf muscles. Let’s categorize his answers:

that dresses well
with good hygiene
that carries themselves well
muscles (“don’t hurt”)

that can carry a conversation
that can spit game (i.e. poetry)
has swagger (romantic)
writes letters/draws pictures (creativity)

has a car/money for public transportation
has a job/hard worker

It’s a pretty even split…or maybe not?

A closer look reveals more. Most of the things wanted in the aesthetics category require money. A nice wardrobe and high end cologne aren’t cheap. Muscles? Better have a gym membership (and money for nutritional food)!

Even the personality category is tainted by class. Being educated/”worldly” is usually correlated with being able to talk about different things (carry a conversation). Creativity takes free time: I would love to work on this blog more, but it’s not currently paying the bills. Ironically, leisure time costs money.

I think you all get the point I’m trying to make. Being attractive isn’t cheap. And because class is still tied to race in most of the world, that means people’s definition of beauty tends to divide on racial lines.

To be fair, Joaquin never mentions a specific race in the video. In fact, the imagery he uses show a wide range of people. But it begs the question:

When people partner up, are they sorting by race/ethnicity without even realizing it?

(to be continued)

Quotes of the Week – Ending 12.26.10

Are you bad with people and hate money? Consider grad school!
Rob Delaney via Twitter

My Dad’s all “how’s that job search going?” and I’m all “stop yelling at me” and he’s all “calm down” and I’m all “bye.”
White Girl Problems via Twitter

You continuing to date strong minded men and not expecting to submit is like me continuing to date Puerto Ricans and not expecting a few tempers along the way.

Anyone know how to get eggnog out of a leopard-skin Speedo?
Conan O’Brien via Twitter
(warm water and lemon juice…don’t ask)

Listerine is gay abortion.
TheXDExperience via Twitter

Got an email from Netflix saying I returned a personal DVD instead of the DVD I rented. I hope it wasn’t porn…that would be embarrassing!
Yes it would Will McNair

My Spanish isn’t great so I can’t be 100% certain but I’m pretty sure I was just offered sex in exchange for a cup of coffee.
Adventures in Puerto Rico with Mr. Jones

If Robyn doesn’t win a Grammy there is no fucking justice in this world.
Amen ralphfv

I’ve never seen the show but this dude is YUMMY!
commenter Howdy Doody Report: Simon Baker Strikes $30 Million Deal with Warner Bros. (omg)

Who the fuck masturbates in the doggy style position?!
Hershey reviews Black Swan

Is that a banana in that guy’s pocket or is he just happy to see me?
womp womp Simon Dexter

The cunts work for Target and the trade work for Walmart.
WhatsTheT via Twitter
(true story)

I can’t wait for the holidays to be over so I can finally stop sucking my gut in.
Jeremy via Twitter

Can’t wait for Christmas to be over so I can go back to being mean.
Mike Huntington via Twitter
(that too)

If you can’t take two chorizos in your culo at one time then I can’t love you.
Juven breaking my heart

Some dudes should just keep their clothes off because that’s the only time they’re cute.
Justin with a good point

What’s this about people in line for Jordans? I bet some of the same people that were in line for those Section 8 spots.
my money’s on Gary

You know sometimes I really hate my community(s) for how brainwashed they are…so programmed to fit stereotypes.
Wa2 via Twitter

The battle is perennial; yet each of us in our time must fight.
Cornel West via Twitter

When you’re honest and live authentically, you live a lonely existence.
Trent Jackson telling it like it is

It’s hard to hide my disgust, but I’m working on it.
Urban Prince via Twitter
(me too)

My heart never had a hero.
Kevin Simmons via Twitter
(mine neither)

Fine line between masochist and optimist.
Julian via Twitter

It’s hard waiting for something that might never happen, but it’s harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.

Quotes of the Week – Ending 12.19.10

OMG, Precious is so damn funny the second time through.
soulforce84 via Twitter
(true story)

I wasn’t really feeling the Christmas spirit until I saw this.
commenter K.Armakld – gingerbread crackhouse (Flickr)

I predict by this time next month, a case of Four Loko’s will be more valuable than a case of Cristal.
Jeremy via Twitter

The dumbest guy you’ve met in your entire life is Asian? You just blew my mind.
Maclean’s Too Asian

I am currently shooting a scene with Taye Diggs and awaiting a chicken brown rice stir fry. Top that.
unfortunately I can’t Kate Walsh

The way you treat people is a direct reflection of how you truly feel about yourself.
Rev Run with a good point

Congress still tends to function like an institution of legalized bribery and normalized corruption.
Cornel West via Twitter

Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won’t taste good.
Billy G via Twitter

My job is getting in the way of what I want to do with my life.
Urban Prince via Twitter

Sex research is so much more fun when you have live test subjects! ::evil laugh::

What am i getting hooked up with?
birthday boy Derrick L. Brigg’s famous last words

What’s wrong!?
I’m been drunk/high for the last four days.

I feel like falling in love tonight.
Kevin Simmons via Twitter

Sometimes it’s ok to let things crumble.
Queer Kid of Color via Twitter

Quotes of the Week – Ending 11.14.10

Dick changes people.
D0wJ0nEs via Twitter

Joe Jackson looks like Fat Cat from Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers.
Karsh via Twitter

I’m kind of scared of how I know every single line of The Golden Girls.
ralphfv via Twitter

We still categorize music by race?…wow
Urban Prince via Twitter

How does one pronounce “Sbarro”?
gabebondoc with a good question

Do these kids do anything other than sing and f*ck?
Patrik-Ian Polk new to Glee

What’s the gayest thing you’ve ever done?
My boyfriend.
womp womp Davey Wavey

Voting for politicians who were born wealthy because you “like their morals” is what has been fucking America into the ground.
Mike Rundle via Twitter

Four Loko is like the new HIV/AIDS or crack: put into minority communities to kill people off…and you dumb asses are falling for it.
blacksocialite via Twitter

Not to minimize bullying, but every black child has been bullied for centuries in this country thru racism. Why no attention to that?
Dr. David Hampton with a good point

Hip hop has become a primary means by which we talk about race in the United States.
Tricia Rose via Twitter
(which is not good imo)

Just because someone has a Ph.D. does not mean they speak truth to power, nor does that mean a commitment to those who suffer.
Vernon Mitchell Jr. via Twitter

tell us how you really feel Ryan Drake

Sometimes I wish I could forget all self value and just be a ho.
Daboisnick via Twitter

I don’t have Ex’s. I have Y’s. Y the hell did I do that?
Kingnoah3000 via Twitter

What you object to reflects what you value.
Jessie Daniels via Twitter

Learning to exercise patience and discipline. Sometimes being still for a moment can prevent major mistakes.
Marc Lamont Hill via Twitter

We don’t live in a society where it is okay to be yourself and have others be happy with it. Live your truth, and f*ck the opinions of others.
Derrick L. Briggs via Twitter

People spend too much time worrying about what other people think of them. Just live. Just be great. Your beauty will shine thru.
Stephanie Alva via Twitter

You have to recognize and acknowledge your wounds before you can begin to heal them.
Terry McMillan via Twitter

I love men who can make me laugh. You won’t meet too many. Believe me!
Xem VanAdams via Twitter

You know you really love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.
Jaimee via Twitter

Love forces you to deal with the funk. This is why many of us are afraid of love.
Cornel West via Twitter

Quotes of the Week – Ending 10.31.10

(Latino male and Asian female friends)
I know! You should be a geisha for Halloween!
Fuck you! You should be a Mariachi band.
We can go to the store and get some tape to bound your feet?

I don’t have sex with white people for political reasons.
Wait, what?

I’m just trying to raise my adopted ethnic baby to be as down to earth as possible.
White Girl Problems via Twitter

(White girl explaining why she won’t marry/have children with her current boyfriend)
It took four generations to gets these eyes, I didn’t come this far to have a son without blue/green eyes.

I don’t understand how Mexican hair gets cut.
(with clippers?)
Daboisnick via Twitter

To think in 100 years we will have evolved to no body hair…I’m 100 years too early.
TMI visuals provided by Scrivs

As my 5 year-old son and I carved the pumpkin today, I swear I heard him say, “That’s what happens to snitches.”
Conan O’Brien via Twitter
(New TBS show starts this week!)

If Gretchen’s finger is on the pulse, the body must be a corpse.
Karsh not happy with the Project Runway finale

Ever notice how the most hoodrat, ain’t shit Black men want the most corporate, Ivy League educated Black women?
Mr. Jones with a good point

…so this black dude driving a 2010 Mercedes E350 coupe just put five dollars in his tank.
ImOblivious via Twitter

$300 jeans and you smell like animal porn? Priorities all the way fucked up.
Najah via Twitter

I refuse to always give my seat up to the elderly. If I worked 14 hours straight and you sat home all damn day, which one of us is really tired?
DDOLAZS via Twitter

For all of you new school kids who are wannabe bitches, watch Dynasty to learn how to be a real bitch.
(or Passions!)
Trent Jackson via Twitter

Why do we even have laws?
commenter yrbmer – Ohio McDonald’s Tells Employees To Vote Republican If They Want To Continue Receiving Raises And Benefits (Think Progressive)

I hate when people try to take race out of questions about class/economics as if race has no impact or relationship to poverty.
Aimee Thorne-Thomsen via Twitter

There is this myth that those who commit suicide have deep mental issues. Not so…get abused enough, and you’ll think about doing it too.
Nathan James echoing what I said

Loneliness really gets you twisted…you become blinded to what’s really going on.
Tyler Jacob via Twitter

I took your power away when I stopped caring.
Carter via Twitter

A boy will offer you pleasure. A man will offer you a future.
Amanda Adriani via Twitter

We Don’t Pay You To Think


picture from Trent Jackson’s twitter

Admittedly, I’m not trying to get karshed here, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t do a follow-up to Interesting Black Man for Hire. My first year flew by and a lot has happened since I was hired at my current job last October.

To be clear I want to start off by saying I am very happy at my current non-profit. I make good money and overall can’t complain. Although I will be using (negative) examples from my experiences in the last year, this is more a reflection of trying to stay gainfully employed as a black man in America in general.

First the facts:

I am a black male under 30 years old with a masters degree…a statistical anomaly in-itself (and a pretty impressive undergraduate resume if I do say so myself).

In an organization of close to 100, I am the only black male not in a position that explicitly has to do with race (ie. cultural programming, community organizer, etc.) or a position that involves a mop and bucket (and other manual labor). Overall there are less than 10 of us.

When we graduated, most of my fellow sex masters (including myself) wanted to work at non-profits that dealt with issues of sexuality/gender. There aren’t too many positions that fit that criteria to begin with and even the ones that do may not be in a city you want to live in. And in a recession where every position gets ~200 applications, employers can be picky and sort based on any identity status (ie. gender, race, age, zodiac sign).

But to be completely conceited for a moment, I am the best at what I do. My unique skill-set of journalism, research and technical skills (and cultural competency for those who care) make me a very valuable employee. I’ve never had an employer complain about my work after they’ve hired me. Where I alway have problems is personality conflicts.

Now while I’m technically not a type A personality, I have no problem asserting myself. If you were to use Dreyfus’ model of skill acquisition, I would definitely be a five. At every job I’ve had it takes me about three months to figure out how things operate and then I start wanting to make changes. I’m that kid that always asked “Why?” and am constantly looking to do a task more efficiently and effectively. This process involves questioning the established ways of doing things (read: tradition).

The reaction from my bosses have generally been the same:

Son, just do what you’re told. We don’t pay you to think.

While they don’t want to have to hold your hand forever (although some like to micromanage) many of my supervisors are very careful not to give me too much decision making power. Too much autonomy means you’re eventually going to think your opinion matters…and it doesn’t. The expectation is to get my tasks done in the time allotted and that’s it.

Power is a very interesting thing because it’s a rather nebulous concept, so it’s hard to dissect (like someone calling you “interesting” in a job interview). Power over a black man is specifically interesting because in the age of Obama no one wants to be labeled a racist. But that’s often exactly what it is.

And I would love to say it’s only white people I get shit from, but I’d be lying. I get just as much shade from other people of color. A Puerto Rican coworker made it a habit for nine months to keep calling me an intern even after explaining numerous times that I was staff. It’s a dog eat dog fight for the few decent jobs available and people have no problem getting their hands dirty to get what they want.

Nepotism is also a very funny thing because that’s exactly what keeps producing the inequalities in this country. I replaced a white women and why would anyone hire a black man that’s going to be “trouble” when you could just hire someone who looks like you, probably has more in common with you, etc. even though they might not be the most qualified person for the job?

Because of the lack of numbers, it’s easy for a black man to not be a “culture fit” before (overt) racism ever comes into the picture. Especially in the social sciences where you can always find a qualified white woman to fill the position.

I was in a meeting with roughly forty people a week ago where I was the only black man. It made me very uncomfortable and it’s something I’ll never get used to. Especially when issues of race come up for discussion.

I guess I’m just a little upset because I feel like I worked my ass off for the last ten years only to find myself dealing with problems based on the color of my skin (something I can’t control). And thank God I work at an LGBT organization or else my (homo)sexuality would also be an issue.

On a macro level we know this recession has disproportionally affected men of color (surprise!) but on a personal level it’s also upsetting because even in something like politics, to be a successful black man in American you have to be an entertainer. It’s 21st century minstrel and it’s not fun when you work hard to be taken seriously. Every day is a fight not to do anything that would get you labeled “the angry black man in the office.” Such is my life. And unfortunately I’m not alone.

…to be continued.