Tag Archives: suicide

Heartbreak Hotel


I can’t sleep, so I figured I’d write.

There’s this boy I met out a few times. Really cute brown guy, really sweet. Apparently he jumped off the George Washington Bridge earlier this morning.

As I sit here looking at his Facebook for answers, I finally understand how difficult suicide is. It leaves you with more questions than answers. I can only imagine if I were closer to him how devastated I’d be right now.

So tonight I pray Whitney Houston’s death isn’t ruled a suicide. Let it be an overdose, slip and fall…SOMETHING. But please God, don’t let it be suicide. It pains me to think someone who brought so much joy into the world could’ve be hurting so much on the inside.

My love affair with Whitney started when the video for I’m Your Baby Tonight came out. She looked so happy, so confident in all the vignettes. My nine-year-old budding gay self tried to learn the choreography (which was an epic fail).

I credit Whitney for skewing my musical tastes. It’s because of her I prefer vocal artists, especially those with versatility; pop, R&B, jazz, gospel; Whitney could do it all.

Eerie fact: I’ve only seen Whitney live once. It was back in 2000 at the KTU Miracle on 34th Street concert. One of the hottest tickets in town (like Z100’s Jingleball) I spent hundreds on a ticket to see my favorite artist Christina Aguilera. Whitney came out as a surprise guest late in the show. She was glowing, her voice still intact…it was one of the greatest musical nights of my life.

Ironically the other surprise guest that night was Michael Jackson; the only time I’ve seen him live as well (he didn’t perform though).

I was never a Michael Jackson stan, but Whitney Houston is woven in the fabric of my love life. Her music helped me thru many breakups. In fact, the Heartbreaker playlist I made last year ends with Why Does It Hurt So Bad.

I feel really bad for Brandy. Her birthday will forever be shadowed by Whitney’s death. She seemed so excited to perform at Clive Davis’ Pre-Grammy party tonight. I’m listening to Get it Back as I type! ::tear::

The other day one of my Facebook friends posted the Mediatakeout story with some disturbing pictures. I instantly had a knot in my stomach. She looked drunk/high, but more importantly, she looked like she was in trouble.

The substance/alcohol abuse program I work on ends this year. Some clients went into treatment and changed their lives around. Others are still struggling. Recovery is tremendously difficult and lasts a lifetime (just like the grieving process).

I’ll never know what was really going on in either situation, but I hope they both find the serenity that eluded them in this life.

Rest in Peace.

Quotes of the Week – Ending 1.2.11

Lost my phone last night! If you find it, that’s not my penis. I was just holding it for a friend.
kassemg via Twitter

(coworker yelling)
You don’t steal a fat girl’s cookies. Especially when she’s stressed out!
Oh honey I know, I learned the hard way.

I bet she doesn’t give him any pussy for at least a month after this.
commenter bitch PLEASE – Katy Perry is an Angel of the Morning (Superficial)

Who fellates cotton candy?
I know a few people Anthony F. Coleman

Girl at the gay club was crying in the corner and when we asked if she was ok she said, “My husband is making out with a guy on the stage.”
Nanooboy via Twitter

Wouldn’t you know it: I get the scanner again and the girl flirts as she selects me. Loves the tattoo on my stomach, she saw it as I lifted my belt.
Steve Pena getting molested by the TSA

I wonder how she’s gonna react the first time she sees us fuck. Is she gonna think daddy is hurting daddy?
Brent Everett gets a chihuahua

What do you call it when your mother’s sister stops blowing you right before you’re about to ejaculate? Aunticlimactic!
The Fat Jew via Twitter

Stripped by Christina Aguilera is the best CD to listen to when you get high.
It’s pretty good sober too ralphfv

Why are some of these southern boys cute but not too bright?
You tell me Kevin

If someone says “no homo,” is that offensive towards gay people?
You’ve got to be kidding me Reggie Bush!

The Wikileaks situation is now firmly centered in personalities rather than issues like everything else in our inch-deep culture.
Dave Goodchild via Twitter

Suicide is a way of telling God, “You can’t fire me, I quit.”
jsmith189 via Twitter

Chris Brown needs a mentor, or a MADE coach or something.
Urban Prince via Twitter

Maybe you’ll work harder if I start ignoring you again.
Derrick L. Briggs may be on to something

Politics is like a relationship with a man. You don’t give him all your time, all your money and all your support and ask for nothing in return.
Rod McCullom via Twitter

It is difficult to establish equality at a systemic level when internalized inequality is embedded in collective consciousness.
Cynthia Ryals via Twitter

Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hour.
yung_freshh via Twitter

Hey I have an idea: How about for 2011 we do what we actually say? Just a thought!
Michael Miles via Twitter

The more you know, the more you don’t care.
ShawnQT via Twitter

Honestly, I just need to marry rich, get a G650, take a couple years and see the world.
Mr. Jones via Twitter

Good guys deserve a break too.
Amen Trent Jackson

Quotes of the Week – Ending 10.31.10

(Latino male and Asian female friends)
I know! You should be a geisha for Halloween!
Fuck you! You should be a Mariachi band.
We can go to the store and get some tape to bound your feet?

I don’t have sex with white people for political reasons.
Wait, what?

I’m just trying to raise my adopted ethnic baby to be as down to earth as possible.
White Girl Problems via Twitter

(White girl explaining why she won’t marry/have children with her current boyfriend)
It took four generations to gets these eyes, I didn’t come this far to have a son without blue/green eyes.

I don’t understand how Mexican hair gets cut.
(with clippers?)
Daboisnick via Twitter

To think in 100 years we will have evolved to no body hair…I’m 100 years too early.
TMI visuals provided by Scrivs

As my 5 year-old son and I carved the pumpkin today, I swear I heard him say, “That’s what happens to snitches.”
Conan O’Brien via Twitter
(New TBS show starts this week!)

If Gretchen’s finger is on the pulse, the body must be a corpse.
Karsh not happy with the Project Runway finale

Ever notice how the most hoodrat, ain’t shit Black men want the most corporate, Ivy League educated Black women?
Mr. Jones with a good point

…so this black dude driving a 2010 Mercedes E350 coupe just put five dollars in his tank.
ImOblivious via Twitter

$300 jeans and you smell like animal porn? Priorities all the way fucked up.
Najah via Twitter

I refuse to always give my seat up to the elderly. If I worked 14 hours straight and you sat home all damn day, which one of us is really tired?
DDOLAZS via Twitter

For all of you new school kids who are wannabe bitches, watch Dynasty to learn how to be a real bitch.
(or Passions!)
Trent Jackson via Twitter

Why do we even have laws?
commenter yrbmer – Ohio McDonald’s Tells Employees To Vote Republican If They Want To Continue Receiving Raises And Benefits (Think Progressive)

I hate when people try to take race out of questions about class/economics as if race has no impact or relationship to poverty.
Aimee Thorne-Thomsen via Twitter

There is this myth that those who commit suicide have deep mental issues. Not so…get abused enough, and you’ll think about doing it too.
Nathan James echoing what I said

Loneliness really gets you twisted…you become blinded to what’s really going on.
Tyler Jacob via Twitter

I took your power away when I stopped caring.
Carter via Twitter

A boy will offer you pleasure. A man will offer you a future.
Amanda Adriani via Twitter

Suicide, Sick Systems and Survivor’s Guilt


image from questionable topic

I really want to talk about all these LGBT youth killing themselves, but considering there seems to be a new suicide almost every day it’s hard to figure out where to start. Let’s see if I can provide a useful framework to help shape the upcoming posts on the issue (puts mental health worker hat on):

The United States is (and has been for a while) a sick system for LGBT people.

Just sit with that thought for a second. Let it ache you at your core so you understand the severity of the situation.

What exactly is a sick system? Let’s review the four basic rules:

1. Keep them too busy to think.
2. Keep them tired.
3. Keep them emotionally involved.
4. Reward intermittently.

It’s very easy (lazy) to look at things like victories in the courtroom over the last decade (sodomy isn’t a crime anymore WHOOPI!, we can get married in a handful of states, GREAT!) and say things will get better (and already are). But when you look at actual lived experiences, especially of black and brown LGBT folk who still have to deal with persistent racism in this country, you can clearly see that’s not the case. Telling people “it gets better” is not only lying, but it contributes to the problem as well (see #3 and #4). The way I see it, this is a classic case of survivor’s guilt.

We’ll get into this in more detail later, but one thing that disgusts me about these videos are the people (especially celebrities) who are like “…if you’re feeling down, please call/message me. There are resources available…suicide is not the answer.”

Says who?

It’s condescending (and inaccurate) to assume that someone who kills themselves didn’t have any support or didn’t try to reach out for help. Take Rutgers student Tyler Clementi:

He realized his roommate was spying on him.
Sought out advise from the “community.”
While simultaneously taking action (alerting his RA) decided it wasn’t worth it (in the end).
Then jumped off the George Washington Bridge.

Many people who commit suicide (if not most I would argue) do a cost-benefit analysis of their situation, decide the cons outweigh the pros and decide they want out. And honestly I can’t blame them. In all seriousness, the only reason I haven’t committed suicide is because I’m too lazy to kill myself.

There’s some good research analyzing the meaning of the method of suicide (I’ll try to find exact citations). These kids aren’t cutting their wrists or taking a bottle of pills. They’re jumping off bridges and blowing their brains out with guns. They’re making sure the task gets completed.

That’s how serious the despair is.

Have you all seen the documentary The Bridge? Go Netflix it right now. It’s a disturbing (yet remarkable) documentary from 2006 about people who jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. They all had someone, at least one person who cared, but that wasn’t enough to stop them from killing themselves. These people made a decision, one that makes the rest of us (still alive) very sad, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a sound decision. And that’s where the conversation needs to begin.

I just feel like if we all stopped focusing on making ourselves feel better (for a moment) we can take a critical look at what is going on and then recommend more relevant solutions.