Tag Archives: Trent Jackson

Quotes of the Week: All In

Audre Lorde hold me

photo via dopegirlfresh

(drunk and confused)
Wait so you know a Yolo and a Bolo?
Yes, lol.

CORINNE BAILEY RAE HAS HAD IT WITH YOU HUCK OKAY
still giggling (Scandal humor)

Brooklyn is over. Done. Finished. Brooklyn as brand has overtaken Brooklyn as place, turning itself over fully to the project that was always its greatest work in the first place: the cultivation of a luxury lifestyle.
New York Observer

Lock your doors, people, and tonight, flush your toilet a little harder.
Fort Greene Residents Insufficiently Horrified By Neighbor’s Giant Leaking Pee Bags (Gothamist)

He’s the King of all Gingers!
Prince Harry: I might experiment with gay men if my relationship doesn’t work out. (Pink News)

Contrary to popular belief, opinions are not like assholes, because in today’s gay world, assholes are glorious and sexy and displayed prominently in photos sent to you from potential suitors. Opinions on a date are more like your lesbian best friend: We know she’s important to you and we’re glad you have her, but we have no idea why you’d want to introduce us to her on a first meeting and turn the evening into a serious downer.
17 Practical Gay Dating Tips for the New Age (Huffington Post)

Jennifer Lopez in the “Waiting for Tonight” video is my spirit animal.
Mine too Matt, mine too.

In these economically fraught times, it’s easy to forget that the super rich earned their right to never see you, hear you, smell you, or consider your pitiful existence. Expecting them to share an entrance would be unfair.
NYC Approves Apartment Building With Separate Entrance for Poor People

Got into an argument randomly with the cabby last night about Tyrese’s place in R&B. How does this happen?
Kyle Harvey via Twitter

LOL Rihanna. She doesn’t give a single fuck anymore. She’s just walking around, modeling fashions and yodeling LMAO!!! Get your life girl. I can’t even be mad.
commenter backto1960

We’re constantly told that it takes a village to raise a child. But when I look at the recent epidemic of domestic violence charges against NFL players, I’m convinced we need to take another look at those in our village whom we allow to help raise our children.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Not Everyone in the Village Is Worthy of Raising a Child (Time)

In a lot of ways, these events happening in the world are separating the real from the fake. The weak from the strong…survival of the fittest.
Trent Jackson – Ok. Wait. PAUSE.

All the women in these pages—who went on to become journalists, entre­­­preneurs, real-estate agents, and sexagenarian nude models; who married, divorced, and, in one case, gave birth to a Victoria’s Secret supermodel — say the Playmate title imbued them with a sense of confidence that seems more of a precursor to the sexual freedom of third-wave feminists than related to the objectification and degradation that their contemporaries saw in the magazine.
The View From a Centerfold (NY Mag)

This is a problem much bigger than Facebook. It reminded me of what can go wrong in society, and why we now often talk at each other instead of to each other.
I Liked Everything I Saw on Facebook for Two Days. Here’s What It Did to Me (Wired)

One of the worst parts about loving someone who won’t love you back is the time you waste committed to that person while they’re off doing something without you—loving other people, caring about other things. They show up once in a while and you abide with your undivided attention. Then, when you finally get over it, you wonder why you gave so much to a lost cause.
Stefan Schumacher – It’s Finally Time to Stop Caring About Lauryn Hill

Once you have been mentally fucked all sex after is just a bad handjob!

Quotes of the Week: Always Bet on Black

EHarmony

I barebacked before it was cool.
Mason Wyler (who isn’t wrong!)

White boys fun cuz all them swallow.
Speaking of…(Fallen)

At a trampoline park with the kids. Should’ve done more kegels.
I heart Amy Brenneman

What if I look back on my twenties and regret not getting stabbed by a jealous boyfriend at a ratchet gay club not drunk off weak drinks?
BlacKenGod deep in thought

FAMU is an incubator for bottoms. Every man I’ve met from there of this persuasion loves it in the gut.
Gilded_Moments via Twitter

Why do random people on Twitter have “booking info” on their bios? What exactly am I booking?
Head behind the corner store.
True story.

It’s sort of like if a bunch of rapists were combined into one giant Voltron rapist.
commenter MountDewmU – Comcast Is Buying Time Warner Cable For $45 Billion (Gawker)

He should’ve smashed it instead. You never know what sort of useful items you’ll find hidden away in flower pots.
with some video game humor to boot! (Gawker)

I’m sending you to school there so that you know how to excel and deal with white people who run shit. I don’t care if anyone likes you, or if you like it. That’s not why I’m sacrificing. The quicker you wrap your mind around that the better it’ll be.
Another American Promise

White people scream race doesn’t matter until someone makes their favorite character black.
Overheard on tumblr

Objectivity is adults’ Santa Claus
Miranda Everitt via Twitter

Life in NYC is about watching your dreams die a slow unfulfilled death shortly before you do. Not love.
desusnice via Twitter

Of course, San Francisco won’t truly become New York, and not just because New York’s economy is nearly twice as big as the country’s next biggest (that’s L.A.’s, not San Francisco’s, which ranks eighth). San Francisco is too earnest, too eager to be liked, to truly wallow in its wealth like Bloomberg’s New York.
Is San Francisco New York? (New York magazine)

This country is broken. Or, perhaps, it isn’t and this is how it’s meant to function.
Son of Baldwin

I really do love everyone. I just don’t have time for the bullshit. If it’s not forward motion, it’s counterproductive and counterintuitive.
cosign with Trent

It hurts when you have someone in your heart but you can’t have them in your arms.
Alfonso Bueno via Twitter

I need to work on telling the people that I’m thinking about that I’m thinking about them.
Gabe Bondoc via Twitter

Be true to you.
Jill Scott

Quotes of the Week: Summer Shitshow

joeychip.jpg
Joey Lawrence: Chippendale

Girl you suckin’ dick you can’t trust!
Overheard by Trent Jackson

There’s no “I” in gangbang.
Right about that Juven

You can take it baby, I believe in you!
Steve Pena coaching husband Brent Everett who didn’t want to bottom yesterday, lol

I wanted him to fuck me no matter what. And no consequence seemed insurmountable.
Rolando (rock.paper.sissy)

Sometimes I just wanna karate chop people in the street.
I would love to see that Derrick

None of the new interns are ticklish, so that was awkward.
Same here Conan

The only way I’m buying a laptop that starts at $2200 is if it blows me when I get lonely.
@bingethinker isn’t getting the new Mackbook Pro with retina display

I wish Prometheus was called Alien: Havana Nights.
Brian Lynch via Twitter

Something tells me The New Green Lantern will have brown smudges on his power ring.
This is why we can’t have nice things like gay superheros

I dunno how young girls be messin wit these lil boys. Them MFers stink.
Absolutely true Gary. Ugh

Fake tits, fake lips, fake lashes, fake hair, fake nails…and these hoes out here looking for a “REAL” man. Smh
Humor or Truth via Twitter

Happily dating/fucking the same partner without making it “official.” #2012
Amidion may be on to something here

It’s okay to be wrong. It’s not okay, however, to not acknowledge it.
Gabe Bondoc via Twitter

Gemini will distance themselves if they end up in pointless situations or among people who are not engaging.
Indeed we do

I don’t always tell people I’m cutting them off. I’ll just silently do it.
The best way to do it really

Sometimes the way to heal yourself is by expressing your rage.
Yolo Akili via Twitter

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m not compromising that to fit into this ideal gay American image. Even if it means no one will want me.
I’m with you Ranity

It’s nice to feel wanted.
Isn’t it Ruben?

The Rules of Engagement 2012

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While every relationship–both platonic and romantic–should be about improving and growing together, isn’t trying really for children? At some point, shouldn’t a grown man be doing instead of just trying on the basic gestures all of us should be expected to provide in a healthy relationship?
Treating Men Like Four-Year-Olds (The Current Conscience)

If there’s anything I learned from last year’s rules, it’s people don’t like to be called out. I had to cut a little deeper than I had anticipated. There are very few people I would call good friends these days.

There’s definitely a gender element here. I know men always want control, but what would a world without men look like? Would it be fulfilling?

Ultimately, I have to be fine with all this. Looking at the bright side all this free time allows me to focus on some business ventures I’ve tabled for a while.

I found an even better analogy than the business one. Relationships are like stocks: you expect there to be ups and downs, that’s part of the gamble. But ultimately you invest your time, money and energy because you expect there to be growth and dividends earned at the end. You want to leave the relationship better than you entered it.

As a relator it’s hard for me to not give people already in my life priority, but as I get older I’ve realized people have to make mistakes on their own. You can lead the horse to water, but…

The Rules of Engagement for 2012 are simple: focus and follow-thru. I’m definitely not an optimist, but I need to start focusing more on the people and things that are working and worrying less about making sure certain people keep up.

Part of the reason why this post is so “late” is I’ve been batching and every month I take on a big undertaking and concentrate on that project. It’s time to move on to the next level and I can’t wait to show everyone what I’ve been working on.

Sunday School: Back to Basics

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“The older you get, the less you have to say.”
In The Mix With Trent – Season 9, Show 21: Play

My new thing is when a guy says/does something stupid I recite lyrics of a song that encapsulates the moment. I give myself bonus points if they don’t realize what I’m doing (most don’t).

It’s a petty little game. Fun, but not productive. But I honestly don’t know what else to do at this point.

The last eight years dating gay-identified men have been very, very frustrating. Mentally, physically and emotionally draining to be honest with you.

I expect parity, reflexivity, and accountability in all my relationships (not just the romantic ones). But it always seems like I put more work into the relationship than I get out. It’s hard to see people you’ve always been there for pick and choose when they want to be a positive force in your life. So I’ve made adjustments and things got better…lonelier, but better.

I tried to figure out what my last “successful” relationship was and sadly it’s the one I’m least proud of. It probably worked because my expectations were much lower. He made it very clear what he wanted (in my experience, most straight-identitfed men do) which made it easier for me to conduct myself. Gay-identified men don’t know what they want. If I hear “going with the flow” one more time I’m going to vomit.

I’m actually really enjoying my solitude lately. I’m just trying to figure out my next move. One of the biggest differences turning thirty is I’m no longer making major decisions reacting to my enviornemnt. I set the tone, I determine the course the ships sails. Ironically, I now think I fully comprehend why men always want the control.

They say if you always do things the same way, you’ll get the same results. So when Trent reminded me of a time long ago, when things were much “easier” I realized I may need to seriously adjust my dating strategy.

It may be time to switch it up again.

You can’t change people. The only thing you can do is be yourself. Be authentic as possible to and with yourself and demand that from the people around you. It’s really interesting how you force other people to be responsible for their actions and interactions as it pertains to dealing with you and they can’t handle it. I walk alone for a reason.
In the Mix With Trent – Season 9, Show 9: Mic Check

Sunday School – Cooking With Crab Meat

I was in love with a Cancer once and that is exactly what he turned out to be. He’s in remission right now, but every now and then that nigga requires a high dose of radiation.
Trent Jackson – Calm

Visiting Trent in the summer of 2008 remains one of my favorite trips to Los Angeles. This was my first time meeting him in person and he happened to be in a relationship. Meeting someone while they’re in love is an honor and a privilege. You see them at their best; always trying, always putting their best foot forward. I was able to steal some of that energy and get some great hospitality over that holiday weekend.

Weeks after my trip I inquired about their volatile dynamic.

“You obviously care a lot about him, but you’re always really stressed. He’s seems like a handful.”

The Sex Master in me would say there were many red flags: the boyfriend was too young for Trent (in my opinion)…there was just a lot going on. Ultimately there was just a level of maturity that wasn’t being met. But it wasn’t my business to judge and I tried to be as supportive as I could.

It wouldn’t be until I was in a similar situation years later that I realized what the exact problem was: Trent was in love with a Cancer.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with Cancer men (including Trent’s ex-boyfriend) you just have to know what you’re getting into. Three things you’ll never get from a Cancer man: compromise, communication and consideration.

For Gemini and other pragmatic signs, this will be a long term problem.
Oh yes, the sex will be amazing if you channel the fiery banter you have outside the bedroom into the physical. But is that enough to sustain a relationship?

In their defense, it’s not just Cancer men. I think this gem about Cardinal signs (Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Libra) sums it up pretty nicely:

Many projects get started, thanks to Cardinal initiative, although a good deal of them are never finished. That’s because Cardinal folks are much fonder of starting things than finishing them.

Yeah, about that.

I suppose all this wasn’t new information. When I was younger, my family would go to this all-you-can-eat seafood buffet with the church. I would watch my sister spend hours using various tools just to get a little bit of crab meat out of the shell (even when they’re dead inside Cancer men crabs put up a fight). I just didn’t get it.

Digressing to the boy at hand. I had one saving grace: his love sign was Gemini. But would that be enough? Would I finally get the boyfriend I desperately sought?

Gary Cancer.jpg

Oh my indeed

Sunday School – Fatal Attraction

Once you’re connected to a person you’re always connected to them and I really wish my ex-boyfriend would stay out of my body and out of my thoughts.
In the Mix With Trent – Season 7 Premier

While it’s important to know what kind of partner you want, it’s just as important to know what kind of people you tend to attract.

I always attract men in transition.
It’s a consequence of my mental swagger: I walk around appearing as if I know it all (I don’t, but don’t tell anyone) and they flock:

Often they are recently out of a relationship.
Many times someone important in their life has left and they’re trying to fill a void.
Sometimes they want to try something new.

But they all come seeking one thing: answers.

Some are in and out
Some stay for a while
But the movie always ends the same: they leave…usually abruptly.

My truth, the reason I sleep well at night: they always come running back. But ten years of dating later, I realize the joke is on me.

I’ve spent so much time studying romantic clichés, I’ve created a self-fulfilling prophecy of my own (#1 to be specific):

A man is painfully, helplessly in love with the heroine, but for some contrived reason is unable or unwilling to express it. Because he feels unworthy of the heroine he tries to scare her away by being a giant asshole – insulting her, ignoring her, humiliating her, romantically sabotaging her, making out with slutty ex-mistresses in front of her, that sort of thing.
(my emphasis)

Here’s the problem with the “I Hurt You Because I Secretly Love You” guy: shit can be cute when you’re young, green and just getting into the game. But over time it just gets pathetic. It’s painful to see intelligent, capable individuals be their own worse enemy, especially when it comes to love.

They’re in sexual purgatory as I like to call it. Punishing themselves because they don’t feel they’re worthy of love.

I used to try and save them…until I realized one day you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

So I’ll take the subtweets
The calls at 3am
The unnecessary nostalgia
And I’ll file them away in Pandora’s box.
Let me ride out on the white horse I came in on.

Cause we don’t need another hero.

Sunday School – Get Myself Together

“When you’ve been the victim for such a long time, that’s all you know how to be.”
Trent JacksonIn the Mix With Trent Season 9 Pre-show

Reflecting on the birthday incident it became clear what the problem was:

The problem was me.

My momma called me last night, she said when nothing else fits pick up the pieces and move on.
Robyn – Get Myself Together

As a Relator, I prefer to spend time with people I already know. Over time this made for a situation where people were taking advantage of me without many consequences. Also, as a Learner, I’m able to adapt to almost any situation.

“That’s just the way such and such is,” I would tell myself and move on. Then one day I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror and said,

“What the fuck are you doing Tony?”

Thirty was looming and the lack of major progress since I’ve been back in New York was troubling. I devised a plan to restart my life…to press F5 as Trent says.

That’s really where The Rules of Engagement came from this year. It was a experiment with a simple research question: If you gave people enough rope would they hang themselves or build a bridge?

The bad news is several people had to be demoted (or cut altogether), but the good news is I haven’t been this happy since senior year of high school. I went for the changes that would yield the biggest results:

1. New apartment – my first time living by myself. Best thing I have ever done, honestly!

2. Promotion at work – I have a few exciting projects that need to leave my brain and become reality so I needed to find a way to bankroll them. I can be pretty persuasive when I want to be.

3. Love? – No, not The J.Lo album.
I spent a good deal of time thinking about why I was single and it occurred to me I don’t spend enough time dating. I took the time I used to dedicate to certain friends and directed it towards romance. Preliminary results have been great so far. 🙂

Gay men are often master masochists. Operating from a deficit for so long, unhealthy situations not only become the norm, they become desirable in a weird twisted way.

Black gay men specifically: I wish we could build each other up rather than tear ourselves down. I wish we had better priorities: individually and as a community.

But life doesn’t have to be seeped in Stockholm syndrome. I’m living proof of that. And I think I’ve set myself up to live my best life thus far.

Happily Ever After.jpg

An Introduction to Sunday School

I have to be perfectly honest: I’m one of those gays who grew up in the New York City Tri-State area and thinks NYC is the capital of the world so if you weren’t part of the New York scene you didn’t exist.

When I moved to San Francisco in July 2007 I tried my best to keep up with the NYC black gays. So when I saw Trent Jackson on the Nathan Seven Scott Experience (and subsequently on the Doo Dirty Show) I was like, “Who is this queen with the crazy Jheri curl wearing sunglasses inside?!”

It became clear why I didn’t know him: he was an author (I don’t read fiction). Further research showed he had a radio show, and I love podcasts! Besides, I couldn’t get Wendy Williams in the Bay Area.

So I listened…

and listened…

Four years later not only can I call Trent a good friend, I can honestly say I wouldn’t be alive without him (emotionally). In the Mix With Trent was my lifeline during my breakdown in California. It was refreshing to see another black gay man be so reflective, so introspective and put it out there: raw and uncut.

There’s a lot going on: child molestation, unnecessary shade, depression, weight/self esteem issues, etc. (just to name a few). But the beauty of Trent is he’s still here, still working on himself, still striving to live his best life.

One thing Trent would always say is “Listen to the message and not the messenger.” As we countdown to thirty and the release of his third novel Pop Life I thought it would be fun to revisit lessons I’ve learned from Trent: lessons you may be struggling with.

My hope is to showcase the most important truth I’ve learned in the last few years: we don’t have to like everyone, but we can learn so much from one another; lessons that can take us to the next level.

I don’t go to church anymore, but growing up my favorite part was Sunday School. As a Learner, presenting biblical lore in an educational context was much more useful to me than preaching. It’s time again for the gospel.

Get ready for church.

The Rules of Engagement 2011

People say “You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.” Truth is you knew exactly what you had, you just thought you’d never lose it.
SheiFenmi

It’s that time of the year again!

The year of “NO” was really about ridding myself of negative energy that was holding me back. I did great with last year’s rules, but at some point I hit a wall.

Stepping back for a moment: when Mr. Jones tweeted the Quote of the Year, I don’t know what exactly happened (I never asked him), but I know exactly how I was feeling that day.

I had a fairly crazy summer. Not all bad, but it definitely left me frustrated with some of my friendships. I stared at the quote and it resonated with me so much. I lost a lot of people in 2010: some I miss, some I don’t…many I had a decent amount of history with. But it was becoming increasingly obvious it was time to move on.

Then I had an even more disturbing realization: my personal life was the only sector of my life where significant progress wasn’t being made. Work was going fine, family relations were getting better…professional progress was being made.

Then I had a novel idea: why not take the business lessons I’ve learned over the years and apply it to my personal life?! The Rule of Engagement in 2011 is simple:

Treat your interpersonal relationships like a business.

What do I mean exactly?

There’s no one set of rules that govern what makes a business successful (how people define success also varies), but there are some core tenants I think predict whether or not a business will work (especially for small businesses). So for example:

If we make plans and you consistently cancel/are late/are a no show then we can’t do business anymore. If you’re one of my core “business partners” this is a sign I need to diversify my portfolio.

If you’re emotionally bankrupt, I can’t invest any more time, money or energy into this relationship.

Like an employee waiting for that evaluation and raise, if you’re not constantly praising my good work and finding ways to compensate me for what I bring to this relationship, then it’s time to find another job (read: friend).

This works both ways: if I’m not contributing to this relationship then tell me. If it becomes clear I can no longer give you what you need, then free yourself.

All of this takes constant reflection, communication and most importantly accountability. I’ve been pilot testing this theory for several months now and the results have been amazing.

One caveat: I am doubtful this will work in romantic relationships. Sex changes everything and I don’t think we realize how much it can be a motivating force to do (or not do) certain things. But I’d love to hear from anyone who has tried it.

Cheers to the new year. Here’s to living your best life in 2011.

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